SKANKS!
missbimbo.com
5/10
by Dana Rossenwasser
A new website that allows teenage girls to mimic their favorite sex-tape mavens is finally here! Miss Bimbo, missbimbo.com, is a virtual fashion game based on the superficial stereotypes found in high school and endorsed by Seventeen.
Miss Bimbo is game where “the aim is to be the coolest, richest most famous bimbo in the whole world/game.” Can you say megalomania?
Starting off with a butt-naked bimbo, you have one thousand “bimbo” dollars to spend as you wish. Clothes range in price and style from a fifty “bimbo” dollar tee to an extravagant ten thousand “bimbo” dollar dress. The amount of money you spend on clothes reflects on the amounts of attitude points you gain, which are used to raise popularity and achieve the game’s main goal. It is also noted on the site to keep your 5’7” bimbo at a slinky127 pounds. Because being skinny is super important, if you want your bimbo to be the very best.
Several other statistics are graded besides attitude. You can play games to gain IQ points. French Kiss resembles whack-a-mole, but is substituted with cute boys and kisses. By kissing the cute boys you gain points, but if by chance you kiss a fugly, your score gets cut down. As you gain IQ you can attract a boyfriend who is smart and treats you well.
Besides the free games you play to gain IQ points, you can also go to the gym, the library, go clubbing, shopping, or to a hair salon. All come at a rather high price. Those bored enough with their real lives can tap into their own bank accounts and actually add bimbo dollars. What could be better than living vicariously through a computer game?
The downfall of the site is the lack of animation. If she eats, you don’t get to see Miss Bimbo binge and purge. Instead, you get a message saying that the action was completed. If you go clubbing, you don’t see your bimbo get shitfaced and then carried off by her anorexic friends. The game just says that “Your bimbo has finished dancing. She was laughing, had fun, and met a lot of people.” Yawn.
Despite the bad rap the game gets from feminists, Miss Bimbo does teach young girls valuable, real-life lessons. The importance of relationships is stressed in the rules as Miss Bimbo advises girls “a good boyfriend brings you money to pay for all your girlie needs. Find a boyfriend to be your sugar daddy and hook you up with a phat expense account! Ain’t love grand!” I couldn’t agree more. Girls aren’t just given hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend at Vivienne Westwood; they have to earn it.
It’s kind of like growing your own Chia Pet or owning a Tamagachi, but human, and unbelievably politically incorrect. Just like the digital pets, you have to be kind and take care of your bimbo so she doesn’t die of starvation or drown in her own excrement. Scandalous!
ROAD TO NOWHERE
Taxi to the Dark Side
9/10
by Emily De Beer
Since the events of 9/11, the United States’ “War on Terror” has become a struggle that seems to only raise new issues as time goes on. To what lengths will the U.S. go in order to achieve security? How effective is our current government at ending terror, and furthermore, has the Bush Administration embarked on a crusade in which Americans are now destined to become the terrorists? These are just some of the questions raised by the documentary Taxi to the Dark Side, written and directed by Alex Gibney.
Taxi to the Dark Side shows a thorough investigation of the U.S. military’s torture of detainees awaiting interrogation in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Guantanamo Bay. The film tells the story of Dilwar, an innocent Afghan taxi driver who was brutally tortured and killed in 2002. Medical reports show that Dilwar’s death was directly caused by this cruel treatment during his detention. Archived footage, photographs, and interviews with U.S. officers display horrific methods of interrogation which included sleep deprivation, sensory deprivation, forced nudity, sexual humiliation, water boarding, forced standing, and physical violence. According to the Geneva Convention, these practices should be considered war crimes.
Since September 2001, there have been approximately 83,000 detainees in American custody. The documentary reports that only seven percent of detainees have been captured by American coalitions, and the remaining ninety-three percent have been turned over by Afghan or Pakistani bounty hunters. These are just some of the facts reported by the film that show how ineffective and even corrupt the war on terror may be.
The documentary provides information that the Bush Administration pardoned itself from being charged for these acts of torture. Supposedly, interrogation officers who were charged with the crimes were merely following purposefully vague orders given by higher authorities in order to avoid accusations for overstepping their boundaries. Whether or not this argument is true, the footage shows that Vice President Dick Cheney wrote a comment at the bottom of a proposal for new interrogation techniques, which he approved. The comment said that he stood for about eight to ten hours a day and implied that it was therefore acceptable that prisoners could be forced to stand for four. When questioned about the comment, Cheney admitted that he meant the comment to be humorous and it should not have been released.
This documentary is extremely compelling and manages to provide a large variety of information concerning the “War on Terror” in less than two hours. Regardless of one’s position in the political spectrum, the footage shown will undoubtedly disturb viewers. Afghans and Americans alike possess “unalienable rights,” and Taxi to the Dark Side proves that these rights are being abhorrently violated.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
Modern Life is War@ The Penny Arcade, Rochester 4.1.08
7/10
by Roger Chao
When thinking back to my high school years, I can recall a few special things that stuck out from the rest. Some of them include learning to drive a stick shift, getting my first girlfriend, and playing in terrible garage bands. One of the bands that influenced me to start said bands was a little five-piece out of Iowa called Modern Life is War. With an ambiguous name and a hypnotizing punk rock sound, it was love at first chord for an awkward teenager like myself. When I heard about their last and final tour, I made a personal pilgrimage to go see my teen idols for one last time.
Coming from Marshalltown, Iowa, the influence of the Midwest stands out in their music. Though Modern Life is War can be considered hardcore punk, their music holds a certain moody and atmospheric feel. Most of the songs are slow and churning, building up more and more intensity with each passing second. Lyrically, lead singer Jeffery Eaton is head and shoulders above his peers in the genre, becoming not just a singer but almost a storyteller. The lyrics paint images of dead end towns, lost friendships, and an insatiable hunger for a better life.
The Penny Arcade in Rochester served as the perfect venue. A stage allowed everyone to see the band, but the lack of barriers allowed the crowd to get up close and personal with the musicians. As the last of the opening bands wrapped up their set, tension and electricity began to pump through the audience.
Modern Life is War took the stage at around 10 p.m. The band opened with “Breaking the Cycle,” a song I’ve never seen them play live. As Eaton hollered the opening line, “This marks the return of a threat!” the crowd ate up his enthusiasm and screamed right back in his face. From then on, the band went from one song right into the next, with barely any breathing room in between. When the band did take a break, Eaton took the time to thank the crowd for all the support in the past six years, as well as dispelling any rumors of why the band was breaking up. “We just felt like it was the right time,” he explained.
The rest of the set was a mix of both new and old songs, including “The Farmer’s Holiday Association,” a song from their first seven-inch record released way back in 2002. Other songs from the set included “By the Sea,” a crowd favorite that whipped everyone into a frenzy as they grabbed and clawed for the microphone in order to sing along. “Fuck the Sex Pistols,” brought on an onslaught of middle fingers and stage dives as Eaton screamed lines like, “We don’t care what you say…Fuck the glory days.” Even after the last song, everyone stuck around and begged for an encore. Eaton jokingly exclaimed, “Man…encores are so cheesy!” but the band complied and for one last time in Rochester, Modern Life is War took the stage and blasted out three more songs.
As the last notes rang out, I noticed a distinct tattoo on Eaton’s arm that spelled out two simple words: “Glory Bound.” I can’t think of a better epitaph for the band’s legacy than that.
NEW DELHI PARADISE
Bollywood Bistro
8/10
by Elina Vaysbeyn
For the first time since the University at Buffalo was established, the smells of cardamom, ginger, and coriander permeate The Commons. You won’t have to walk far to find the source. Past Korean Express, next to the newly opened Oh Bento, stands Bollywood Bistro—a place I once mistook for the dining room of Oh Bento.
The Relan family already owns the jewelry store in the Commons, and they had staked claim to the new space in the back of the Commons years ago. Finally, the construction is over, the bathrooms are open again, and the Indian food is aplenty. UB freshman are getting the cream of the crop. We seniors had merly wine coolers from Campus Pizza four nostalgic years ago, but you have choices like fresh salads, sushi, fried calamari, and samosas. Bollywood Bistro has hired their own chef, but “mom’s in the back,” said Bunny Relan, making sure the food receives a little of that home cooking love.
Bollywood Bistro’s menu caters to vegetarians and meat eaters alike. Their buffet includes Indian staples like aloo gobi (potatoes and cauliflower in spices), palak paneer (spinach and cheese), and navratan korma (vegetable korma with nuts and paneer cheese), as well as chicken makhani, and chicken curry. They also have made-to-order specialty items like chicken biryani, fish curry, and my personal favorite, chicken tikka masala. They hope to include more South Indian delicacies on the menu soon, such as crepe-like dosas, and they change their vegetable options frequently.
Bollywood Bistro also makes lassis, traditional Indian yogurt drinks, and roti, Indian bread, which is included with almost every meal. Customers have the choice of ordering fresh-made entrees mild, medium, or hot, and their buffet options include the combination of any two items with a heaping helping of basmati rice, and a roti.
The price for an entrée at Bollywood (around $7) is equal to, if not less than, a panini at Campus Café, but the food you receive is more satisfying. The family-run restaurant infuses its dishes and service with warmth and comfort, and their customer base appreciates it.
Not only is this a dream come true for an avid Indian food consumer, but it is also an awesome cultural and nutritional addition. How many subs and sandwiches can a college student eat a month? Here is a place where you can get a hot plate of meat and rice, like your mama makes, and it’s all within the reach of the vehicle-deprived.
HEY HEY, YOU YOU!
Avril Lavigne w/ Boys Like Girls @ HSBC Arena 3.29.08
7/10
by John Schnitter
First, a confession. I, a 19-year-old male, am a fan of Avril Lavigne. I also consider myself a fan of “serious music,” which makes me slightly embarrassed about my affection for Avril. I’m not under the delusion that Avril’s music has any kind of profound artistic merit, but there’s something I like about her and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s her lighthearted, punk pop hooks, her straightforward ballads, her distinctive voice, or maybe it’s just the fact that I find plaid skirts and fishnet stockings sexy.
I even like Avril enough to have purchased tickets to her concert, which hit HSBC Arena as part of her “Best Damn Tour,” under the guise that I was taking my sister for her birthday. We arrived just in time to see opening act Boys Like Girls, who began and ended their performance with mediocre renditions of the only two songs of theirs that I know—“Hero/Heroine” and “The Great Escape.” In between those hit singles, the band played a collection of non-descript numbers that to the unaccustomed ear (i.e. mine) sounded like the same song repeated over and over again. The throngs of tweens and young teenagers assembled inside the arena could easily ascertain when one song ended and a new one began, and screamed the words to each one.
Finally, Boys Like Girls finished, and the moment I was waiting for…I mean, the kids were waiting for…arrived. Avril Lavigne took the stage amid a flurry of flashing pink and white lights, billowing smoke, and young girls’ screams. She opened her set with her mega-hit “Girlfriend,” which had the entire crowd shouting along with the catchy “Hey hey / You you” chorus. She moved quickly and confidently through her set list, which included most of the songs off her latest album The Best Damn Thing, and some of her older hits as well. Avril’s songs were accompanied by video displays on the three giant TV screens behind her, professional dancers, flashing lights, and of course, Avril playing her shiny pink guitar. She also took breaks in between songs to ask the audience questions like, “Who here considers themselves spoiled?” and “Who wants to see me play the drums?” all of which were answered by deafening screams of approval from the audience.
Like Avril’s music, the show was fast-paced, entertaining, energetic, and fun. Avril’s faux-punk songs brilliantly draw in the younger teens looking for a safe way to rebel that their mothers can’t disapprove of. Avril even gave a shout out to all the moms in the audience when she played a short bit from the pre-Avril cheerleader anthem, Toni Basil’s “Mickey.” If punk’s message is to “fight the man,” Avril’s message should be to “fight your mom until she buys you those cool new shoes.” Bratty? Sure, but Avril does it in such a catchy and infectious way that it actually becomes fun and entertaining. For a moment, we can indulge the spoiled child in all of us that wants to get things our way and have fun doing it.
ONE...TWO...THREE...FOUR!
Los Campesinos! - Hold On Now, Youngster...
8/10
by Tara Sullivan
“Send me stationary / To make me horny!” exclaim the ladies of Los Campesinos! That quirky interjection is just a glimpse of what the Cardiff, Wales group has to offer. Their first full-length LP Hold On Now, Youngster…is full of enough bleeps, claps, glockenspiels and co-ed chants to brighten any situation without becoming overkill.
Formed in 2006 at Cardiff University, the band played their first show in their school’s student union. Borrowing from The Ramones, each of the seven members replace their last names with Campesinos!, exclamation point included. It makes sense; their excitement to play together comes through on almost every track, as if each member really has something to say. Instead of each song having one vocalist, various Campesinos yell out lines at random. For the most part, lead vocalists Alexsandra and Gareth take the reins, but the rest of the group often chimes in for upbeat rounds of “One, two, three, four!” or “Shut up!”
An abundance of exclamatory statements aside, the band has other shticks. Like literature and the English language? Los Campesinos does, too. In the song “Don’t Tell Me to Do the Math(S)” the band shouts “If only you could give your life to literature / Just don’t read Jane Eyre” over an upbeat melody complete with Gareth’s tinkling glockenspiel. Or one can just read the title “We Are All Accelerated Readers,” to learn they might have an affinity for words.
Their verbose lyrics and constant string of chants and jaunty guitars have the potential to be irritating, yet Los Campesinos manages to make it work. They aren’t so much preachy as they are fun and honest. In “My Year in Lists,” perhaps the most addictive track on the album, the group expresses the pitfalls of long term relationships to the point where “decorating envelopes” becomes “foreplay.” For anyone who has deprived of ass for a while—you might understand the feeling.
These MySpace darlings, many of their fans were accrued via the Internet, are an extremely promising group. They experiment throughout their album with different vocals, from melodious male/female pairing to yelping lyrics like “We have to take the car because the bikes are on fire!” Also, because there are so many members, they are able to showcase a range of sounds, which include synth-driven backbeats, mellow guitars, rapid-fire keyboards, graceful violin, and yes, a glockenspiel. Los Campesinos! is on tour now, they’ll be playing Lee’s Palace, Toronto May 23. It’s only a matter of time before they end up on MTV, playing over the credits of Made.
SNOOZER ALERT!
Leona Lewis - Spirit
2/10
by Tori Burhans
The most popular talent show in Britain, X Factor, is remarkably similar to American Idol. Both have Simon Cowell as a judge and are marketed towards mainstream pop charts, the winners from both shows produce watered-down versions of whatever their musical style may be. Leona Lewis, the third winner of the popular UK show, has become a massive star across the pond and she’s betting on an American takeover. Her debut album, Spirit, is full of annoying ballads and bland easy listening songs—she’s going to have to try harder to enchant us.
The first single, and unlikely Billboard chart topper, “Bleeding Love,” is that annoying song that’s in the credits for all your favorite VH1 shows. The repetitious “keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love” chorus is almost enough to make you bleed—from the ears. It’s a masochistic love ballad that shows off her voice that captivated England, sprinkled with high falsetto notes throughout. “Better In Time” is the definition of the generic break up song, one that attempts to empower the listener to get over a boyfriend. This song will be in the minds of every sobbing high school girl vowing they also will make it through their “long winter” without a man. Beginning with Miss Lewis “ooo’ing” and downplaying her vocal chops, the song suddenly breaks into a drum track that utilizes synthesized backups to pick up the pace. “Thought I couldn’t live without you / It’s going to hurt when it heals to / oh yea,” encapsulates the depth of the album, or lack there of.
“Whatever It Takes” is another bore, vaguely reminiscent of “rhythm and blues” songs about love. With nauseating lyrics like “And if you’re lost / I’m gonna find you / ‘Cause without you/ I’ll break down and cry / And you know why / I wanna surround you / With all my love,” even her semi-proficient vocal skill has no chance of making the song worth a listen.
Switching from the heartbroken to the heartbreaker, “I Will Be” takes a step away from the rest with a country meets rock and roll vibe. Her vow to never let her man down again combines a usual guitar sound with her generic orchestra behind her, supporting her vocals. “The Best You Never Had” also spices up a rather bland dish, picking up the generally slow pace to the album with an unusual upbeat song. Leona belts out lyrics like, “You put me through so many emotions / Now baby it’s your turn for that” and “When you’re telling me I was always the one / I feel your desperation.” It’s easy to imagine these songs on the next episode of The Hills.
Over all, Spirit runs along the lines of every other album from a performer that got their start on a TV show. Though Leona Lewis is a talent, certainly better than many other pop stars out there today, her vocal skills are wasted on the album.
NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED
Doug Stanhope @ Nietzsche's 4.19.08
by Jason Polansky
“Doug Stanhope? Isn’t he the guy that killed The Man Show?” you may be quick to ask. No! In fact, Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan both had what it took to keep it alive. Unfortunately for them (and us), we were left with Comedy Central’s watered down version of their vision. As a stand-up comedian, Stanhope tackles issues and makes sure you get the point through crude humor and extended rants. The only downside is you may be so busy laughing that you’ll miss his most prominent moments of wit and offbeat humor.
Recently, I caught Stanhopes’s act at Caroline’s on Broadway in Manhattan and can attest that my face hurt from laughing for 45 minutes straight. Stanhope chooses to discuss things that most mainstream comics shy away from. At one point, he even pointed out how much he hates doing shows at comedy clubs because people show up for their birthdays, “expecting Chuck. E. Cheese for adults.” The analogy that followed was, “Taking someone to see me for their birthday is like showing them porn that stars a thirteen-year-old girl that they kill at the end.” In a way he’s not far from the truth; his upcoming Buffalo show will probably touch upon many subjects that people might feel queasy about. In Stanhope’s words, “I’m leading you into battle; you’re not all going to be here at the end.”
It’s not all as shocking as that. Real life issues have a place in his act as well. In his DVD release, Deadbeat Hero, he offers his stance on abortion (clearly pro-choice) by arguing, “A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s going to irritate you for life, burn it off. Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you, if you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say, ‘Stop playing God.’” Not content with a basic argument, he proceeds to reflect upon his wife’s abortion, claiming “It’s not 1955 where you simply kick her down a staircase and hope the best.”
Stanhope’s act isn’t all just shock humor and political issues. There’s times where off-the-wall observational humor can take the spotlight as well. One of my favorite jokes is off his album Something to Take the Edge Off. Talking about a big rubber fist, a “toy” found in most sex shops, Stanhope goes on and on about why a girl would ever want to use a rubber fist. “Who is without two perfectly good fists? Is there a point where you have both inside and she asks, ‘Is there possibly a way you could fit another fist inside?’ Or maybe you just need it do defend yourself while in the act.”
On April 19, Doug is bound to appall, disgust, and turn away a few unsuspecting audience members who go to Nietzsche’s that night expecting good, clean fun. The rest of you will be treated to humor covering topics such as war, immigration, and tit-fucking, to mention a few high points in his portfolio of controversial humor. To the easily and even moderately offended: stay away. For the rest of you—be sure to mark your calendars for one night of relentless laughs.
