buf.fa.lo sex [buhf-uh-loh seks] (n.) pl. buffalo sex
Buffalo sex is any of the mundane activities Buffalonians partake in in order to pass the lonely hours of the long, cold winters in lack of more entertaining or meaningful options of which there are but few. Buffalo sex is any unexciting pastime, as unsexy as the city itself. (Urbandictionary.com)
We’ve never heard of this term before, and as pretty sexy inhabitants of the great Queen City, we beg to differ. For those new to the area, on the surface, Western New York might not seem like the mecca of sex that it really is, but life (and sex) is what you make of it. So, here is a guide to help you out in getting off.
Best Public Places to Have Sex
Public sex and what is “best” is subjective. Some people prefer the adrenaline rush of potentially getting caught. In that case, you might want to try someplace outdoorsy. Delaware Park is a good example. The bleachers near the soccer field make for some interesting cheerleader/football role-playing (or football player/coach fantasies, whatever). But this is Buffalo, so make sure you wear the naughty long-johns in the winter: the cold metallic sting of bare bleacher on the ass is a thrill that, while hard to duplicate, isn’t exactly for everyone. If you’re more shy and reserved, but are still up for some public fornication, try a public bathroom, such as the ones at Allen Street Hardware. The dark and moody bathrooms are private, spacious, have locks, and are again, dimly lit, so they are optimal for bagging that someone with a great personality and a less than dazzling face. Or an alcoholic.
On campus (besides the Generation office), larger spaces, with lots of hiding places, like the Student Union Theatre, or an empty lecture hall in Knox, could be the fuel for your naughty school girl fantasies. Most of the larger lecture halls on campus have projection rooms at the top, which can be opened up with nothing more than determination, nimble fingers and a credit card – and hey, those last two will get you crazy laid anyway! The UB Stadium is another covert spot to get your kicks if you can scale the fence (no fatties).
The roof of Capen is fairly easy to mount (lulz) and is secluded. The only downfall is the cops have been patrolling up there more often than is warranted. It’s not like they’re getting succeeding reports of sexual assault on South Campus, right? The roof of Capen must be a hot spot of criminal activity on its off days. It has its obscure spots as well, and you can enhance and romance the experience with a lit up skyline of the entire campus. Despite it lacking tremendously in any aesthetic value, that doesn’t seem to bother those in the heat of battle.
Best Sex Performance
Arguably the hottest sex performance in Buffalo is the subversive burlesque act of The Stripteasers. Part queer sketch comedy, and part, well, striptease, they perform every Thursday night at Roxy’s (884 Main Street). For those too afraid to go to Roxy’s or leery of the political undertones of The Stripteasers, they can try Eye Candy Burlesque. They lack some of the edge that The Stripteasers have (and edge is pretty sexy), but what they are able to do with a pole makes up for their shortcomings.
The Colonie Lounge on Hertel, at no more than a ten minute stumble from The Heights, offers the best (well, a decent) selection of topless dancers. They feature four dollar beers and even offer the rare privilege of being able to legally light up a cigar. Labatt’s, tits and the stench of grandpa’s buddy Joe never felt so erotic. Or has it? Those with a bit more class (something we know very little about) can either head toward the airport for an array of strip clubs on the Buffalo/Cheektowaga border, or if you are real adventurous, make the jaunt across the border into Canadaland. Trivial Pursuit, poutine and Geddy Lee all came from the Great White North. With a track record that good, you should expect anything but a bad time in any Ontario gentlemen’s club.
Best Place to Pick Someone Up
For one, you’re going to want to avoid the Old Pink (223 Allen Street), unless you have an arsenal of penicillin to kill whatever infection you’ll find in the morning. Try to keep the venue you pick someone up in as clean as the person you want to fuck. Perhaps a new Main Street staple, The Sangria Lounge (3114 Main Street), could offer a classier face to regret waking up to in the morning. On second thought, maybe avoid bars altogether. Think refined. You could meet a potential mate analyzing the vagina-inspired pieces of Georgia O’Keefe at Albright-Knox. A lot of sexual attraction is based on shared interests (yeah, shocking, we know); so if you’re really into music, maybe stop by a show at the Mohawk Place (47 E. Mohawk Street). There are usually one or two people of either gender, hanging out on the sidelines alone. They might be interested in making out to Godspeed after the show. Or better yet, you two could have a conversation or something. But we won’t cross our fingers.
Maybe it’s the shitty food at the Rainbow Café, or maybe it’s the hydroelectricity, but Niagara Falls is a great place to go find someone who is looking for some temporary romance. The ferocious spew of water over the 170 foot drop offers a multitude of ejaculate-related pick-up-lines, and if you play your cards right, there’s a plethora of seedy hotels to serve as a venue for your evening. Take it easy on the mini-fridge though, or else you might find a marriage license in the morning after a drunken late night visit to the Falls Wedding Chapel.
Best Sex Shop
In general, sex stores that label themselves lingerie shops are more women-friendly. There are a few choices in Buffalo, though the search is narrowed by Video Liquidators’ monopoly over the sex shop block. The key is using your resources wisely. For example, there are some days you might not want to walk into Video Liquidators just for shits and giggles. If there is a theater in the one you plan on visiting, and you are a female, you probably shouldn’t go alone. Creepy men will approach you, hoping that you are there for the same reason they are.
Pandora’s Boxxx (1467 Seneca Street), on the other hand, is especially useful for the ladies out there who are interested in exploring their sexuality. Not much more demure than Liquidators, Pandora’s Boxxx caters more to female consumers. They carry popular toys, such as the “Rabbit Habit” in a less male-dominated environment. However, some of us around the office use different criteria to pinpoint the perfect erotic boutique. While most shops in the greater Buffalo area will offer a wide selection of videos, outfits and marital aids, only the best offer three-foot long rubber fists. Hell, if you can find the ones with the extended-reach fingers in the high-five position, we’ve been looking for a replacement in the Generation office for all too long. Unfortunately, much like with everything else in the world, the internet has taken over as the best place to score sex toys. Try Toys in Babeland. (http://www.babeland.com) or Good Vibrations (http://www.goodvibrations.com), both women-owned and operated, and even feature a ton of helpful reading material, including Good Vibration’s Guide to the G-Spot (it’s real, we swear!). Just don’t forget: God gave you ten fingers and a butthole for a reason.
Best Place to Masturbate (in Public)
There’s something about long rows of dusty tombs, half of which haven’t been traveled down in years, that is very sexy. Capen’s third floor is completely dead on Saturday nights, and libraries have plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in. If you know your Dewey Decimal System, you might even be able to find some dirty reading material to help you out. If you pay your fines on time, you could get lucky with that cute librarian at the reference desk with the thick black glasses. All in the name of research.
Going to the movies alone could be more fun than you think. A trip to the movie theatre is an excellent opportunity to have a good time with yourself. While it’s difficult to get away with two-person sex, you could use the singularity to your very lewd advantage. No one will hear your partner grunting embarrassingly in the dark, and you can chalk it up to introspective “me” time. Be careful with your film selection though; you should probably go see a steamy, foreign film at Amherst Theatre rather than the new Judd Apatow at Regal. Indiana Jones on the big screen in the S.U. Theatre is an option that shouldn’t be ignored, either. Mmm… Harrison Ford.
If the possibility of being interrupted gets you going, you can always try what we refer to as the “Clam Hands Clemens Caper” around the office – hop on the Clemens elevator at the first floor, push the button for the tenth and get to work the moment the door slides shut. You’ll have nine floors to bring yourself to orgasm, and face it, if you can’t finish before then, you’re doing it all wrong anyway.
We also hear there’s a lot of jacking off going on 132 Student Union. This could be a prime location, as there’s plenty of newspapers around there to clean up with. Oh wait…we meant jack-offs. Our bad!
Best Buffalo Sexing Online
If you’re not adventurous enough to actually leave your apartment or dorm for some coitus, the best place on the web to find pathetically horny Buffalonians is OKCupid.com. And while you’re busy not getting laid, you can take some helpful personality tests, or find out your IQ.
If you’re seeking a sexier blogging experience as well, check out the work of Buffalo-native Lux Alpatraum, former owner/model/photographer for pioneer alt-porn site, That Strange Girl. She currently is a contributor and editor for Gawker Media’s Fleshbot (http://www.fleshbot.com), a blog filled with links to filthy, quality, full-length porn videos. For those a little bit brainier about sex, she is also founder and contributor to sex and relationship analysis blog, Boinkology
(http://www.boinkology.com).
Did that help? We sure hope it did. Because we spent six plus hours in a hot, tiny office wiki-ing, begging people in the SU for condoms, and watching cakefarts.com videos, in order to bring you The Buffalo Sex Guide, when we could have been fucking instead. Buffalo’s not boring! You just need to dig deeper, and fuck harder, and often.
Elina Vaysbeyn is a senior English major and Associate Editor of Generation.
Michelle Matthews is a senior global gender studies major and Senior Editor of Generation.
Andrew Blake is a senior Anthropology major and Editor in Chief of Generation.
