I’m a hungry guy. Everyday at lunch time I am in dire need of my daily dose of vitamin meat, but I can’t find a decent burger anywhere on campus. How am I suppose to eat around here?

EV: You should be ashamed of yourself. There are starving children in the Third World and you complain about not being able to find vitamin meat? What the hell is vitamin meat anyway?! Seriously? If you want a “decent” burger, walk over to the Commons and check out Campus Café. They have veggie, turkey, and regular burgers. When it comes to vitamins though, I doubt you’d get them in any burger. When you finally realize your “vitamin” meat is actually depriving you of necessary nutrients, go make a salad at Uncle Bernie’s, also in the Commons, or cook for your own damn self. Pfft, lazy bastards.

AB: For starters, avoid campus at all costs. The meat in Putnam’s is actually derived from bodies pulled from Lake LaSalle, and that’s not good at all. To satisfy a hearty appetite, I recommend making the jaunt down Sweet Home to Fuddrucker’s. On Wednesdays, you can get a half-pound slab of beef on a toasted bun with unlimited condiments for a measley six bucks. However, be forewarned: Last time I made the trip, the burger only lasted in my body for around ten minutes before it started spewing out from a few not-so-pretty holes. But hell, that’s longer than my meat can last in somebody else, so props to them.

You guys are great, How do I get to work for Generation?

EV: We accept bribes, in the form of illustrative pieces of writing. If you are competent, know how to connect words and sentences and are mildly cognizant of syntax, you should be an excellent candidate. Don’t be afraid to come up to the office, 315 Student Union. We probably won’t eat you, but we’ll definitely eat your lunch… or take your lunch money. Did I mention beer? We like that too.

AB: We usually only hire from within. And by within, I mean our drug dealers and friends of our drug dealers. So, if you are a drug dealer, uh, come on by, and we can talk business. And by business, I mean drugs. It helps if you have a pretty face and a few skills, like writing or drawing or layout, too. Hell, we’ll even look the other way at this point if you aren’t a drug dealer. We’re pretty desperate for staff members. And drugs. Swing by 315 Student Union, and join the dark side. BYOD.

What’s up with all the construction going on around campus?

EV: I don’t freakin’ know! As far as I can tell, they have created a time warp in between the inside and the outside of the Student Union and whenever I pass through it, I seem to lose all sense of where I am going and where I was coming from. Wait, what were we talking about? Daddy? Is that you?

AB: SA franchised the rights to their own Dave & Buster’s. Unfortunately, only SA officials with the “secret” tattoo are allowed bowling privileges, so either Sharpie your own Mickey Mouse with a boner tattoo on your ass, or run for office next semester. I’m not sure which would be more embarrassing, though.

Why is it taking so long for you guys to put out a magazine this semester?

EV: Well, I can either tell you that we’re all handcuffed to the chairs in the office by the vengeful Spectrum staff, helplessly tapping S.O.S. in unison, or I can tell you the truth. You’re not the only one who smoked too much weed this summer. Cut us some slack; we like keg stands just as much as the next guy. Check out the rad pictures of them in our office! Did school even start yet? Shit, I’m screwed. In essence, if you don’t want an issue reeking of stale beer and hangover vomit, I suggest you wait patiently.

AB: We forgot. Sorry. Actually, half of the production staff was in the Erie County holding center until midnight Thursday on a bunch of drug possession, indecent exposure, public urination, and attempted necrophilia charges. The strange thing is, they were all unrelated. Great minds think alike.

How do I deal with douche bags in my class that think they know everything?

AB: Prove ‘em wrong. Find a seat next to the dick and right before he opens his mouth, put your hand on his leg, lean in and whisper “Hey, hot shot…you seem like a real smarty pants. Real bright. Probably think you are, eh? Well, try this one, champ…I bet you don’t know how to make me cum by only using a hacksaw, a cold compress and your premolars, do ya, Macgyver?” That’ll shut him up. But it might be worth letting him give it the old college try…I mean, what if he can?

EV: I know everything. Are you calling me a douche bag? ‘Cause I’ll come over there and show you who the real douche bag is. Douche bag.