Who is the smartest member of the UB Football team? I really dig guys with both brawn AND brains!
EV: Besides the recent Tom Brady injury, I gotta be honest, I don’t know shit about football. But, I do know a lot about guys in tights. And trust me, it’s never a good thing. Besides, every dude I’ve dated that had “brains AND brawn” ended up being a homo. Just sayin’.
AB: Does the guy selling the wieners count? He goes to all games, but stands in the spot for four hours, doesn’t have to watch the Bulls narrowly escape defeat every week, and is surrounded by hundreds of pounds of pork products. He clearly knows how to play the game.
My upstairs neighbor masturbates real loud and interrupts my studying? How do I tell him to stop?
EV: You could masturbate loudly right back. Who knows, your mating calls could intertwine, creating a celestial union, invoking singing cherubim and harp playing. It could be like the paintings on the ceiling of a cathedral. Except you’d be touching your genitals. And you might go to hell afterwards. But it’s all worth it for instant gratification! Plan B? No, literally, Plan B. Watch out, you know you can make babies masturbating with just a single wall between your hot, jerking, sweaty bodies.
AB: Who masturbates loudly? Self-pleasure is something I like to keep to myself. Besides, I get turned on by the silence. The beat of my own heart gives me a raging boner. I love myself thaaaat much.
Is it wrong to want to shave and doink every woman I see on campus? And I don’t mean only the attractive ones; horse face and grandma tits included.
EV: Shave what? Like bald? You want to shave every woman you see on campus? What are you some kind of baldness fetishist? I wouldn’t approach females on campus with a razor, unless you want to get a mouthful of pepper spray or broken teeth. Especially after that South Campus story we wrote. And doink? Listen, if you insist on saying doink, I’m going to have to insist that you stop doinking immediately. Though I doubt anyone’s doinked you in years, horse face grandma tits.
AB: The fact that you used a phrase that only appears on urbandictoinary.com to explain your sexual intentions allows me to assume that you have never doinkerd a person of either sex, or even saw a naked girl. That’s kinda sad, but, well, that’s what you get for talking like a douchebag.
Why have there been shitty jam bands outside the union for the last eight hours? I’m trying to study at Starbucks, and all these guys keep hitting me with their Frisbees.
EV: That would be UBeephreee, an all day music festival hosted by UB’s Jam Club— 11 hours of nonstop jamming man. Don’t fight it. Get your ass out of Starbucks, and join the party. And quit killin’ my buzz, I just lit a sweeeeeeeet BLUT!!!!1!1
AB: God hates me and wants me to kill myself. That’s all I can say. If I have to hear another twenty minute rendition of “All Along the Watchtower,” I am going to drop some napalm off the Student Union terrace, take in a nice, long breath of the burning hippie funk fumes, get reals high, and take a knife to my temple. Christ! Don’t you guys need to be in Vermont or something?
When I’m on the shitter, I simply cannot bring myself to finish my duty if anyone is anywhere near my stall. What can I do to overcome my little shyness problem?
EV: I have no problem letting people know that I have to poop. I do it all the time. Try it. Get some friends together, bake some vegan cookies, and just let it out. Don’t be scared. Everybody poops. There’s even a book about it called Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi. You can take a look at all kinds of poop in it— human, tiger, bird, etc. It should alleviate some of your queasiness.
AB: It’s just poop coming out of your butt. Just remind yourself that. Go “Hey man, it’s just poop coming out of my butt.” This should calm your nerves and the little fella should slip right out of your bum and go ‘plop!’ He he. Plop! Poop jokes are always funny, right? If not, I’m sorry. I totally phoned-in this week’s column. I swear it’ll be funnier next time. Promise. I’m so high.
