I was getting head from a girl on a futon in our dorm room, and when I finished, I let out a rather large load into her mouth. To say the least, she couldn’t handle it all, and some got on my roommate’s blanket. We didn’t know we got it on the blanket, and a few days later, my roommate found it and actually touched my load. He got a little mad and decided to cum on a pair of my boxers, put them back in my drawer only for me to find them a few hours later. Then he came on the girl’s bio notebook, which she threw out. Are we all even?
EV: Dude, “even” doesn’t begin to describe the ejaculate-laden mess you have wrought upon yourself. Your first mistake was getting head on a futon; your second mistake was talking about it. You might want to keep your liaisons private, you know, for the sake of decency. And for the love of god, get rid of those boxers and buy your roommate a new blanket.
AB: Once you introduce semen into the equation, there is no “even.” It’s every man, woman, and child for themselves until HPV renders someone unfit to continue the battle. I wish you luck, and encourage your competition. As far as continuing this fiasco goes, I recommend cumming into the dish detergent, and then giggling gleefully as you watch your roommate do the dishes. Every utensil in the house will be cleansed with your newly christened bottle of Ultra Palmolive, and all you have to do is switch over to plastic-ware, right? You should see how long you can go without laughing every time your roommate eats soup.
How do I deal with a roommate that sounds like a horde of pigs eating out of a trough?
EV: Harsh. Does this happen when he or she is sleeping or awake? Your roommate might have respiratory problems, in which case you can’t do much, short of paying the hospital bills. If it starts to look like you’re stuck in farm hell forever, consider getting ear plugs, or just listen to your music really fucking loud. If it doesn’t drown out the bovine sounds, at least it’ll piss your roommate off. Or you can just splooge all over his bed, like this other genius.
AB: Subtle references to Babe the movie should hopefully get the message across. Mutter a little “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do,” everytime your roommate puts down their fork and snicker to yourself. Personally, you sound like a little bitch complaining about something like this though. You should probably find something in life worthwhile to complain about, like maybe the war, the recession, or how much of a whiny chode you are. Besides, everyone knows food tastes better when you swallow without chewing. It’s a fact. Look it up, doofus.
My TA is flirting with me pretty hard, and I’m kind of digging it. Is it ethical for me to make a move? He’s gorgeous!
EV: Oh baby, is it ethical, if by ethical you mean totally against academic policies. Gorgeous or not, your academic standing and integrity are on the line here. Secrets like this always spread like wildfire, so don’t think that you can get away with some TA nookie. It’s not only your conscience you gotta worry about.
AB: Is he assisting with an ethics class? ‘Cause man, that would be so ironic, you know? I don’t really have advice for this one, but I’m all for sleeping around. Go for it. I might be that TA someday, and if I start planting this seed now, maybe you slutty bitches will be running wild with your snatches hanging out of your pants when I’m the one running class, and I’ll weasel myself in dirty, filthy, ungraduate vag.
First, I have a girlfriend, alright? Anyway, at the drag show last week, I found myself becoming slightly aroused at the sight of the performers. Am I gay?
EV: Well, you see, when two people get together, one being a guy, and the other a drag queen, things get kind of complicated. That’s it, I don’t know anything else about it, I’m stumped.
AB: Asking “Am I gay?” is a lot like asking if you’re stuck in quicksand. Frankly, you just don’t know until you’re already deep in the hole, and at that point, even wiggling to and fro isn’t going to get you out of the abyss of peculiar desire. Hot, manly, sexy desire.
