My precious Johnny,

She saved my life that day, she certainly did. We were completely helpless. She didn’t know us. But for some reason, she chose to save my life, not yours. And ya know, I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Who in the world chooses a chunky, useless, middle-aged woman over an adorable, sweet-eyed, perfect little boy? My precious baby boy? Hmm? The hole was closing fast, perhaps she didn’t see you. Yes, that must have been it. The situation was, after all, what your negative-minded father would call “an empty basket of time and good-fortune.”

She wasn’t thinking clearly. Who expects a giant earthquake to shatter the Manhattan financial district, anyway? Not me, that’s for darn sure. We weren’t even from there, anyway. I was caught in one of the smaller cracks with you, and the earth itself was enveloping us, and I was singing Grandma’s song, remember? I thought for certain we were off to meet our Lord.

And then she came. Thinking she’d do something heroic like condemning an angel to hell, while saving your fat keeper. I was not worthy even of that title. So what did everyone expect me to do? Cry, thank the bitch, and move on with my life? What did I have to lose, goddamn it? There were plenty of other cracks to choose from, she couldn’t even scream, she seemed so surprised. I picked her right up like I would you, and dropped her like I would drop you into bed. Right into a doozy of a fissure. I was like a super hero, I tell ya! I was just reading the other day in some dentist-office magazine about what an average person can do in an above-average situation, some poor little girl was trapped under some car and her mother just lifted that thing right off of her like a gosh darn... So I suppose my story is similar, I guess you could say. I was so mad, ya know...

I got my story straight right after that, I knew your father wouldn’t understand, I don’t see what’s so difficult about it, but I just knew he’d be afraid of the legal mumbo jumbo, so I got my story straight right then and there. You fell, I couldn’t catch you. The end. Nobody asked questions, who would? It’s bad taste. I know it may sound strange, but whenever I remember what I did that day, I smile like I won something special. I can move on with my day, even after I smell you, or see a picture of you, and you cripple me. When I feel ugly. Or I feel like I am a gnat in everyone’s ear. I think of my secret and keep on truckin’. I guess I just got lucky, having something like that to keep me going. And now, my darling, I share my secret with you. This letter rests in your empty crypt for you to read. I figured that I should share this little tidbit with you before I keeled over myself, don’t ya know! You have the right to know, after all. She was my sacrifice to you, my tiny, baby boy. I love you from the core of me outward, like a shockwave. I miss you every day.

Your sinner-mom.

P.S. Sometimes I wonder what her name was. She looked like an Ellen.