It’s October 31 and like every year, the line at Party City is out the door. As always, you’ve procrastinated, leaving thoughts of Halloween tucked away in that bottom drawer that you never use with the crusty condoms of yesteryear, and Polaroids of your trip to Sea World. If years past are any indication, you’ll end up settling for an ill-fitting Shrek mask from the kid’s section and drunkenly stumbling down Winspear, trying to find a party to crash before ultimately passing out in a juicy pile of dog shit, thinly veiled by some colorful, fallen leaves. Talk about autumnal bliss.

Too old to go trick-or-treating? Can’t go door-to-door dressed as an underfed, over-caffeinated college student? Well, if you don’t have friends who are willing to be seen with you at parties after last year’s incident, you aren’t completely shit out of luck. You still probably should have wiped that pumpkin slime off your dick and hid the soiled jack-o-lantern though, before the pictures ended up on Facebook. Fog machines and strobe lights will veil your loneliness as high school kids dressed as zombies walk towards you through shoddy, narrow wooden hallways. Every autumn, several haunted houses are constructed across Western New York to lure kids in with the promise that a roomful of mirrors and phony spider webs will be worth the price of a bottle of Captain. For those lacking reliable transportation, Frightworld on Sheridan and Alberta might the most easily accessible thrill. It features five unique houses with varying themes. Return of Mummy’s Curse, House of the Dead, and Wicked Woods weren’t the greatest, but Phobiaz and Carnevil in 3-D houses were scaretastic. Finally, neon puff paint, evil clowns, and 3-D glasses are combined in a way that does not involve Insane Clown Posse.

At the Hamburg Fairgrounds, Dark Raven Mirror/Scare at the Fair presents six separate haunted houses. The Quarantine house, modeled after the recent movie, combines terrifying theatrics with shotguns and zombies. The scenery, props, and costuming are spectacular in this new, R-rated feature, although the winding hallways lead you to the exit a bit too quickly. Video clips played on fuzzy television sets are used throughout several of the houses to guide guests through their journey. Each house seemed quite short, but the quality of the staff’s acting more than made up for this.

House of Horrors in Cheektowaga was none too spectacular. The only time that we were remotely frightened was when the woman 20 feet in front of us screamed, “HELLLLLL NAW” when unnecessary, wet, hanging vines threatened the appearance of her newly did weave. Actors frequently broke character, either walking through the house donning only half-costumes, or ruining scares by removing masks and shamelessly gawking at fly hos.

Halloween is obviously a really good time for puns. Everyone knows that puns are the highest form of humor, so if you really want to show your friends that you know how to have a good time, be extra punny this season. The people down at The Maize on Niagara Falls Boulevard are vikings in the field of seasonal literary goofs. Why? ‘Cause the Maize, is a maze…made of corn. Get it? Oh man. If you got a few bucks and like soaking your jeans in mud, it’s totally worth it. Perhaps you can gear up Oozefest-style, buy some shitty Wal-Mart sneakers, and duct tape your lower body like a mummy.

Penny-pinchers can easily find their own affordable fun this season. Some argue that Buffalo is quite the haunted town. Truthfully, all you really need to construct your own worthwhile scare is a six pack, a dirt road, and some Depends. Just venture out past midnight to get your spooky jollies. Goodleburg Cemetery in Wales, New York, is notoriously famous for being haunted by hell-hounds, and young deceased mothers whose shallowly dug graves don’t adequately mask their remains. They are said to roam the grounds in search of revenge, perhaps, or maybe just fancy Chinet dinner napkins with which to wipe their bloody gashes.

If you feel like being less adventurous this Halloween, you can always stay inside and let the fun come to you. Take a seat on your favorite overstuffed couch, lay back, and eat sugary confections until your teeth rot out. Take your time; Willy Wonka will await your arrival in the jubilant realm of type II diabetes. Don’t forget to answer the door, though, and hand out your own personalized tricks and treats. While you’re chomping away with your wax teeth, take a moment to gingerly insert a generous amount of glass shards into the fun-sized Nestle Crunch bars. Children will get a delicious treat and the materials to create their very own Halloween-themed mosaic piece. Just think: you’re fueling the next generation with creative resources. If you’ve got the time, and you’ve already seen Hocus Pocus more than twelve times, nestle some razorblades into the creamy, smooth, peanut butter filling of a Halloween favorite—Reese’s Cups. Mothers who don’t inspect their children’s Halloween loot before they allow their little sheet-covered ghosts and fairy princesses to indulge in seasonal sweets don’t deserve children with intact uvulas anyway. Keep at it and you’ll rival even the crazy old men who show up at their side doors in flannel pajamas sets with multiple buckets of loose change. Looks like some people don’t believe in Coin Star.

If you’ve got a special someone, invite them over for an enchanting night in. You might consider surprising you sweetheart with a special costume. We’re not talking filthy French maids and power-hungry police officers here, either. If you’re looking to get krazy laid, you better start getting creative. Sherlock Bones and Napoleon Bone-apart would both be viable options here. All you have to do is fake some French, and she’ll be under your sphere of influence in no time. There’s also nothing hotter than spectacles and tweed. This goes without saying. Coax her with your intellectual abilities; bind her like a book. If your best costuming attempts seem futile, you can always draw up a warm, kool-aid-red bath in your basement stationary tub and toss some raw meat and gummy eyeballs in for good measure.

Whatever your circumstances, there are plenty of options with which to spice up your Halloween night to a memorable degree. Surely, you’ll come up with something worthwhile. Whichever twisted path you take, have fun and stay safe. If your holiday isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, there’s always November 1. Wake up early to raid Target for plastic spider rings, pencil toppers, seasonal pom-pom socks, and several pounds of half-price candy. At the very least, you’ll be able to bask in the glory of a mountain of spooky, commercial goodness.