Oh fuck. It’s Halloween already. I know, you were busy with your studies. It’s alright. I’m here to help you. Halloween isn’t just a one-night event, it is a full year’s worth of planning alongside keeping up to date on the latest pop culture. Britney is in now! No one wants to see Michael Richards hanging out at their party… It’s not cool, bro. Here are some costumes that are hip and happening that will be sported by the coolest of kids and earn the most candies. You do like candy, right?

Sarah Palin –

Ladies, this is an easy one. Sweet, sexy librarian look, featuring thick rimmed black glasses and a beehive hairdo that can withstand gusts of up to 43 MPH. Palin will be a popular choice this year, outside of the election (Zing!). Perhaps too popular. If you insist on being born again as Mrs. Palin on All Hollows’ Eve, set your crosshairs on your accent. This is the most important aspect of any character, as it will sell your point better than any debate strategy ever could. And you do want to be the best debater, do you not? You betcha! If your hockey mom phonetics are just wide of the net, there’s no need to abort! Hike up your skirt a little higher and go as Lisa Ann, Palin’s portrayer in the impending pornographic picture, Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? This will certainly draw a crowd on Chippewa as you show the Joe Six-Packs what you have learned about the “Big Bang Theory.”

The Joker –

I think we’ve all seen The Dark Knight by now. It was a fantastic movie. But, there is no doubt that three out of every five children will be going door-to-door, yelling, “Why so serious?” as you smile and fill their money bags up with candy. Batman will certainly have a busy night on Halloween. This is bound to be the most overdone costume of the year, partly due to the untimely death of Heath Ledger. If you have your sights set on living the late actor’s semi-final role this season, I suggest being more direct and playing the man himself, by dressing up as zombie Heath Ledger. What better way to honor him than to throw him into his biggest post-mortem role to date, as the spearhead of the zombie apocalypse? The only scar stories you’ll be sharing are from clawing your way back to the surface and from being bottled during your “Zombie Janie’s got a Gun” impression. Make sure to carry knives and a bottle of sleeping pills with you at all times, just to sell the role even more.

Michael Phelps –

At this point, your preparation time is limited. Had you been dealing with Halloween properly, you could have easily slapped on some Speedo’s and called it a day after your years worth of regular steroid use had ended. Lucky for us procrastinators, Phelps does occasionally put on a shirt. An American windbreaker, a pair of goggles, and eight shiny gold medals will do the trick here. Just don’t let anyone hear you cry at the end of the night once you have to return to you sad, underachieving life.

Don LaFontaine –

You may know him better as the “movie voice” guy. His passing was a blow to Hollywood and clichés everywhere. Honor a legend this holiday by sporting the LaFontaine and offering your best “In a World…” impression. Warning: You may turn into “that guy” if you dive too far into this character. Epic commentary only holds its charm during the first round of cider pong. Continuing on into the sixteenth, will only piss everyone off. They won’t appreciate your perfectionism.

Rick Astley –

It defies all laws of physics. Carson Daly even used the joke, and it somehow still managed to take off. Now, my own mother understands what Rickrolling is. Though I’d rather see Clive Clarke, the energetic bartender in the notorious video for Astley’s song “Never Gonna Give You Up,” jumping off of fences at my own party, I’m certain nothing could beat a physical Rickroll as a Rick Astley wannabe walks into your home, uninvited, just like he does via the interwebs.

Hurricane Ike –

Are you an asshole? If so, dust off your Hurricane Katrina costume, because it’s coming back in a big way this year via her long lost cousin, Ike! Luckily, Ike wasn’t as much of a disaster as the media had hoped for, but that doesn’t mean you can’t benefit by being this year’s biggest one hit wonder. Just spin around and blow/break everything in your path, and you’ll get your point across. Watch out for George W. straddling his ice-beam; he’ll be aiming to destroy you before you devour his home state in your noble attempt to balance Karma. Sigh, maybe next year…

Stock Market Crash –

Joe Cool, you are so on top of things. By celebrating the virtual collapse of our economy, you will certainly win some booty tonight! Look into getting a live ticker to carry around your neck. I imagine it stretching to arm’s length and reproducing some of the sounds associated with crashes, bailouts, and depression. Our economy may be hitting one of its biggest slumps yet, but your friends won’t even feel the effects once you introduce them to the Dow Jones drinking game. Take a shot every time the Dow dips another ten points!

The Large Hadron Collider –

The first particle collisions may have been delayed until next year, but that shouldn’t stop you from dressing as one of modern science’s greatest achievements! Especially since there may not be a world around next year to show off such an original costume idea after it is sucked into a mini black hole. Tubing, lots and lots of tubing on this one. An easier route would be to dress as Kate McAlpine, the woman who penned the “Large Hadron Rap.” Simply grab a lab coat and see how many people you can sneak up on with a vacuum. If they question you, tell them it’s in the name of science!