My penis keeps leaning towards the left regardless of me shifting it to the right. I’m afraid of having a permanent boner facing left. How do I fix this? I don’t want to keep fucking sideways.

EV: First off, you should know that it is totally normal to have a slight curvature of the penis. Most males do not have a strictly upright erection. If it’s really bothersome though, try figuring out if you’re doing anything that might be affecting the curve of your penis. Maybe your tighty whiteys are too restricting. Maybe you’ve been jerking it to the left. If all else fails, you probably need to see a physician.

AB: I used to lean towards the right for a while, and then the left, and then the right again. Now I just let my dick vote Green Party all the way. Legaliiiiiize it, mang.

My ass itches, I think it’s because of my butt hair. I don’t feel comfortable about shaving, makes my butt feel gay, but should I do it anyway?

EV: I doubt your butt actually feels “gay.” An ass itch can become extremely distracting, to the point of agony, and you probably don’t want to walk around with your fingers up there all the time. Showering daily might help. So would shaving. Although, I must warn you, if you shave it all off, once it starts growing back, it’s going to itch like there’s hell beasts clawing at your anus. I’m just throwin’ that out there.

AB: There are far more heinous things you can do to make your butt feel gay. If you would like to know, swing by 315 Student Union and ask for Andrew. Do not, I repeat, do not bring lubricant.

I dream everyday of this guy I used to know, and every time I do, I wake up sweating on top of the sheets... I feel like I don’t know this guy anymore but I keep dreaming and keep sweating, what do I do?

EV: You should try figuring out why you are having these dreams. Do you have some unresolved tension or drama? Need some closure? Try talking about the details of this past relationship with somebody and see if anything changes in your sleep routine. You could also keep a dream log and to decode your dreams.

AB: For Christ’s sake, change your sheets. You are never going to get krazy laid with that shit all over your bed. You disgust me. Me! And I’m a slob. Sigh. Well, that’s the first thing to do. The second thing is to move on and stop being creepy. I didn’t need to tell you that, though. Please don’t ask me legitimate questions, I’m not even qualified to cook Pop-Tarts, let alone alleviate your craziness. You need to get fucked hard and move on. Unfortunately, you are bat-shit crazy and I’m going to have to pass on this one.

What’s the deal with looking at porn on UB computers? Is it acceptable?

EV: Fuck no. Keep that shit to yourself. I seriously don’t want to be writing my fifteen page Shakespeare paper in Lockwood during finals week, while the pervert next to me is looking at Pam Anderson’s big ones. Ferreal. NO.

AB: I take a 2 p.m. porno break every afternoon in the Lockwood Cybrary. Or as I call it, the “Cockwood Cybrary.” Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha I’m so funny. While it’s alright to check out porn on campus, I think it’s a lot more fun to casually glimpse the ubit name of whoever is sitting next to you, and then browse their facebook for semi-nudes as you gently stroke over your stained jeans. Don’t forget to breathe heavily.

Why do vagina’s smell like fish?

EV: Why do assholes like you even exist? You know what, as long as you think vaginas smell like fish, you’ll stay away from them, and the world will be a better place. We don’t need individuals like you procreating. That’s a terrifying thought.

AB: Someday I will actually be close enough to a vagina to maybe tell you. In the meantime, I am of no help. I’m sorry. If you have any questions about masturbation, pizza or karaoke, I will gladly assist you.