The sun is no friend of mine. Every morning, I fight an unyielding battle against light, noise, and inevitability, as they barge into my dreams, like an uninvited bro-dude to a party, ruining all types of fun that my slumber generally brings. My body and mind have become quite the warriors however, and have adapted to these conditions, allowing me to continue my journey through Candy-Land. It may be self-inflicted, but I have had problems with getting up in the morning throughout my entire life, making multiple effective alarm clocks a necessary evil.

Through these inconsistent sleep patterns and laziness, I have become a sort of alarm clock connoisseur. I’m at the point where I have a dozen different alarms set at meticulously researched locations and times, only because I eventually become immune to their cacophony and learn how to disable them in my slumber. I’m here to share my research on the alternatives to the clock-radio standard I’ve come across throughout my years of unconscious scuffling.

Cell Phone –

An obvious choice for the college crowd. We live on these devices, so why not sleep on them? I can’t really advise them as the ultimate weapon against tardiness, as they come in all shapes and sizes, and varies in degrees of effectiveness. Vibrate is a nice idea for those who wake at a movement’s notice - under pillow placement works well here. Losing the phone between the sheets? Place the shaking device on a hard surface, creating an obnoxious buzz-saw effect, couple this with the newest T-Pain ringtone, and you can consider yourself awoken.

Not all cellular devices are created equal, however. I suck at maintaining phones nearly as much as I do waking up, so I’ve dealt with many varieties. Vibration seems foolproof, but isn’t nearly as effective when the phone becomes misplaced. I have woken up to a dead battery several times, and it isn’t a pleasant experience, especially since I’m already running late at that point. Ringtone choice is important, however, depending on whether your phone has the ability to project the volume well or not. Leave the phone across the room, so your snoozy-self is forced to meander over in order to silence the obnoxious intruder. High-pitched rings work the best. If your phone lacks in the speaker department, a built in alarm tone, if available, is generally one of the most effective noises. If not, pick your least favorite ringtone, as you don’t want the sound of your new favorite song to send you into a furious rage in the conscious world. Pavlov would be proud, but you may scare your friends whenever you hear the new Britney Spears song.

Television –

Though watching The Notebook may be part of my nightly ritual, the television has served double duty by being one of my most trustworthy friends in the waking world. I’m not hip and with it on all of this HD technology, but back in my day, TV sets came with sleep timers and internal clocks. If you’re lucky, your TV may also have an alarm feature. Turn off your cable-box and prepare your television by turning to your favorite signal-free station, then turn up the volume to 11. Fair warning, this method is scary and not recommended for people with sensitive pets and/or roommates. Prepare to launch from your hibernation to greet the day as a fuck-load of white noise smacks your dreamscape like a nuclear bomb. Also prepare to be pissed off daily, but hey, freedom isn’t free.

Nanda Clocky –

Never have I been deceived by something so cute. The best choice for the Star Wars fan, this $50 bundle of fun is disguised as a friendly little droid, sporting an adorable set of beeps and boops. Cute…until wake-up time rears its ugly head. This little fucker takes off on its wheels as fast as R2-D2 filled with a satanic rage. As the sounds commence and grow increasingly vexatious, it consistently avoids your attempts to grab it and end its miserable little tirade via “SNOOZE” button by rolling around in random patterns and doing little flips. Clocky was so effective, I allowed its batteries to run low, just to hear the once proud crier sound as if it were painful to move.

But like every alarm clock before it, I eventually learned how to disable it while sleeping. Using Clocky’s mobility to my advantage, I placed the mechanical mischief-maker atop a shelf next to my bed in a creative attempt to deter my unconscious abilities. This worked extremely well and could be the best method I have discovered to date, although the descending droid nearly killed my cat, as it landed half of a foot away from her head. Use this failsafe with extreme caution.

The Internet –

God bless Ameri-Google. Typing “alarm clock” into the search bar brings you to a wealth of waking options available via the interwebs. I leave my computer on all of the time anyway, so I might as well have an excuse for when Al Gore comes knocking my door down, declaring that my carbon footprint has exceeded Bigfoot’s. The internet provides the most customizable alarm clocks, and a good speaker system attached to the lappy can fill the room with joyous noise to greet the day with decibels to boot. Just pray your computer is not as terrible as mine, and this may just be the best alternative for your broke-ass soul.

Honorable mentions –

A parent: Can’t seem to find these anywhere, if anyone knows where to buy one, cheap, let me know.

The flying alarm clock: A cheap price tag and an impressive annoyance factor make this a worthy edition; I have no experience outside of YouTube with it though. Fail.

Guilt: Start failing your classes, it may work.

Proper sleep schedule: The only true way to wake up on time. Maintaining a consistent sleeping pattern is key to being attractive and studious. Remember what Smokey the Bear says: For rest, prevent fires. The fire is a metaphor, get it?