C L A S S I F I E D S

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P E R S O N A L S

To the douche that fought some kid at the frat on Englewood, thanks, you got me some ass that night

Everyone has shit to say about leggings but why has no one addressed the jean shorts issue? BOYS, THEY ARE NOT EVER OK. They weren’t ok back in 6th grade. They are hideous. You look like an idiot. Do us all a favor and stop wearing them. Thank you.

Never ever ever.

to the people who live on my floor:  i jerk off in the shower every day.

Dear custodial staff of fargo: Fix the dryers in the laundry room or I continue to smear poo on the walls of the first floor bathroom in elaborate art patterns. This week’s theme: Impressionist. God help us all if I get to modern art.

To the ASS HOLE who cheated on me with one of my best friends...you better make sure your car insurance is up to date FUCK FACE, cuz i am going to be returning your mini fridge thru its windshield =)

Would a vagina by any other name smell just as gross?

Dear Smelly Rommate, Please get your stank out of my mouth...yes i said mouth, its so bad i can taste it. I used to think i had no friends cause nobody wanted to come to my room, but now i know you scare them away. Its okay to shower, you won’t die, but maybe you’ll get a bj, or a hj, or maybe even

To the dudes who took my grill at the football game.  Hope you had fun finding your friends car keys in the parking lot, like I had fun finding my grill... Maybe it’s not a smart idea to leave your car keys in your gas tank opening..

to the girl in my class with the led zeppelin tee, you dyed your hair brown its hotter and your impeccable music taste makes me want to penetrate you, let me be your ‘back door man’ if you know what i mean

I steal girl’s underwear out of the Richmond laundry Room

To the dumb ass who wrote about the “hot guy” thing and “hotness does not imply that one will have telekinesis”: It’s telepathy.  I wish I could use my telekinesis to bitch slap you across your fucking idiot face!

to that someone special in my psych class, “Bitch, you like big dicks? then give me yo digits!!!” signed, yours truly

Iprint anywhere,  propN.  1.  Cit Service for users to print. 2.  Available nowhere 3. Absolutely useless.  Synonyms: Iprint nowhere

There’s a snickers in my pants….hungry why wait?

girl in my math class...I’m an astronaut & my next mission is to explore uranus!

Obama has won / Oprah and Palin cry hard / I’d fuck them both good.

I would really like / A bunch of fucking haikus / For next week’s issue.

to the bald guy wearing the pea coat everyday smoking cigarettes... dont shoot up the school you look like a loose cannon

does anyone know who won the election? thanks—concerned student

to the kid jerking it in the lockwood cubicle i saw you and i thought might need a hand, just so you know i have two

To the hot chick who works at Putnam’s: every time you make my sandwich, I wish you were handling my meat instead. wanna fuck sometime?  maybe tomorrow? please?

where all the UB sluts at? Smoke bluts?

Hey true blue fucker, grab me again at the end of a game and ill make sure you get on espn, or at least the obituary’s.

hey...i pooped in my roommates bookbag last night

I was afraid that p-diddy was going to come after me because I didn’t vote. Then I was fine...but now I’m high and about to hide.

attention boys with majors that will make them rich one day: dicks fit very nicely in my cooter.  Let’s meet at Pistachios.

To the cunt who brought her dog to a party on halloween: kudos on matching you and your dogs costume. For anyone who wasn’t there, they both were ugly midget rats dressed as pumpkins.

dear dickwad *** teacher, Keep being a fucking asshole just because you dont teach at swarthmore any more, and i swear to god i will look you up and tell your wife you have been sending me dirty emails.

with regrets, dude you keep fucking over

dear chinese restaurants: stop throwing flyers under my door, i have a fucking meal plan douchebags i’m not gonna spend ten dollars on kung pao chicken

dear girls at UB: since you’re all so ugly, you can make up for it by doing everyones laundry and cleaning everyones room. seriously, my room is more dirty than your face

dear goodyear hall: sorry for breaking the washing machine that one time but i’m a guy so i dont’ know shit about washing machines. or cooking. or cleaning

to richmond building 3: locked bathrooms? why? it’s a good thing i found a garbage can to piss in or i would’ve pissed all over the floor in protest then went back to goodyear where i live which is a way sweeter residence hall

I’m only gonna say this once. Condoms. Feel. Weird.

To the hot chick wearing the pentacle in Psych. Show me your full moon and I’ll stick my athame in your chalice.

African American Lit Class:  What was the first personal I missed that spawned all this speculation??  Who is hot kid??  Who is the girl asking about hot kid???  How did I miss all of this?!?!  Can we please discuss it as a class sometime?

Dear Theater Boy, sorry about giving you the clap...hope you act better than you fuck.

Obamalama: Two parts bama, three parts lama.

To the shitfuck who broke my windshield wiper on friday in the su lot trying to leave an ad for an obama party at the town ball room. Im going to shove this broken piece so far up your ass you’ll be brushing your fucking teeth with it. Your mother is a cunt and your father fucks guys with AIDS