Hey! What does it mean if Tim Curry and Vincent Price are arguing in Spanish in your head? They were arguing about the best Dora the Explorer episode, but Vincent Price thought Pan’s Labyrinth was an episode. Should I tell him he’s retarded?

EV: Huh? Yo no comprendo sus palabras, amigo.

AB: I think the three of you should swing by the Generation office and bring an ounce of whatever it is that you’re smoking. If we wake up the next morning, I have a feeling it’ll be in each other’s arms, and frankly, this sounds absolutely beautiful to me. Oh, and to settle the whole Dora debacle, the best episode is the one where Urkel first invents his transformation chamber and becomes Stefan Urquelle in order to woo Laura Winslow. You dummy.

I’m too passive. How do I become better at being a “dick” to people?

EV: I’m totally not going to tell you how to be a “dick” to people. There are enough dicks on this planet already. And who knows about outer space? There could be dicks everywhere! Ahhh!

AB: Dicks everywhere? Gosh, I could be so lucky. Sigh. So you want to be a jerk, eh? I actually give lessons in just such a field. My fee? Your face! Oh, snap. You like that one? Yeah, yeah, come learn from me, and I’ll have everyone hating you in no time. Once you learn how to chew with your mouth open, only listen to bad music, and quote Cool Runnings unnecessarily, it’ll only be a matter of time before your whole magazine staff wants you dead. You are the editor of a magazine, right? ‘Cause you get bonus jerk points out the wazoo for that one.

I’ve met a girl and wanted to know if you could suggest a pizza place that has a karaoke night so I can sing her “Your Song,” and maybe not have to masturbate in my parents’ basement anymore.

EV: What a great date idea! You know, I love karaoke and pizza. Nudge, nudge. Well, whether you’re taking out that tramp or my stunning self, Yings, Wings, and Things has a variety of foods, including pizza, and yes they have karaoke! So do Garden Park Café and Sangria Lounge. So… what time should I be there?

AB: Oh! Oh! Oh! Hmmm, where to begin? First, let me say, as much as I love pizza and karaoke, these two vices aren’t necessarily best when combined. The lactose in the cheese does horrendous things to the voice, so if you really want to sing your heart out, I would recommend being careful with what you put in your body, especially if you want to put something in her’s later. And Elton John? There is not a whole lot of sexy going on with that man if you ask me, but what do I know? Stick to something soulful, some classic Motown, maybe a nice ‘70s ballad, or my favorite karaoke gem, the Dead Kennedy’s “Too Drunk to Fuck.” Jesus, man, there are so many holes in this plan, I don’t know. I’m starting to think you should just give up on the doin’ it and stick with jerking into the dirty laundry pile; you could even eat as much pizza as you want. And let’s face it, pizza beats intercourse any day. If you ever want to hit up some karaoke joints, swing by the office and we’ll go together. I might even fuck you to Elton John. And by “might,” I mean “will totally.”

So I have this EAS teacher and he’s really a terrible teacher. He’s old, smells like the butt of a cigarette, and he’s almost dead. How do I get a better grade with this crypt-keeper teacher? And why are all the EAS profess mostly terrible?

EV: Take it easy on this guy. He’s obviously living out the last days of his career in utter misery. You think it’s fun to teach engineering to disobedient snots like you? Nope. And he’s been doing it for at least thirty years. Be respectful of his age and his invaluable reserve of knowledge and maybe the old salt will be lenient on your grade. Also, have you ever heard of ratemyprofessor.com? It’s like crack, and it can guarantee that you never have to deal with another one like him again.

AB: HA, HA You’re going to fail. Ha ha ha ha.