Reading this Generation at an airport, and I am wondering...when I come back to classes tomorrow, will the stupid long island whores still be sucking dicks for coke?
MM: Leggings as pants isn’t exactly my favorite fashion trend either, but since when did Long Island girls get such a terrible reputation? We’ve opened up Generation issues of yesteryear, and UB students have been hating on LI girls for as long as this magazine has been around. For the record, I’ve never met a Long Island girl I’d classify as a whore or who even does coke, let alone “sucks dick” for it.
AB: Let me guess: You spent the winter in Lima, and in lieu of traditional souvenirs, have imported a few baggies full of the finest Peruvian pearl you could get your sexually deprived hands on? We’ve all been there. For your sake, and who am I kidding, mine too, let’s hope the sluts are sluttier than ever this year. Personally, I like the kind of girl who will suck a dick for cheeseburgers, but then again, that’s only because I like getting head in the Burger King drive-through. Such is my life
Here’s one for “I’m Right, You’re Wrong.” Why does David L. Dunn, the V.P. for Health Sciences who initiated UBreathe Free, have a small penis?
MM: Second-hand smoke. Duh.
AB: It was a lot longer before he broke it off in the collective asses of every smoker on campus. If you want to see something big, you should check out this guy’s balls.
Is it right to wipe your ass with your hand and water, instead of just using toilet paper?
MM: I wouldn’t recommend it, and it seems like a highly ineffective way of wiping. It also seems like it would be a terrible way of spreading disease. EmedicineHealth.com reports that the most common type of food poisoning, caused by noroviruses, is contracted through food contaminated with human feces. So, yeah, it’s probably wrong, especially if you work in food service. Yuck.
AB: You are the reason I haven’t shook a hand since freshman orientation. I am broken because of you and I hope that you are happy. I don’t enjoy wearing rubber dishwasher gloves while eating my Twix, okay?
My roommate likes to beat off in the shower and leave it there. Should I kill him?
MM: We never condone killing here at Generation. The real question is, where is he leaving it? Why can’t you just wash it down the drain? It really isn’t a big deal, unless he’s doing it on your loofa or something.
AB: If I were you, I wouldn’t even try to lay your hands on this chump. Shower water is about as good of a dick-lube as molasses, so if this kid can manage to get off in the shower, he probably has a hell of a grip, and ergo, could destroy you. I would steer clear and let him continue as is, unless you can come up with a real dandy of a plot, like removing the shower mat and hoping he’ll slip and break his cock. I’d even say you could substitute the mat with some banana peels, but that might be taking it a bit too far. Might be.
The “I’m Right, You’re Wrong” sections sucks in comparison to recent years. What can I do to help make it less of an awful column? Keep in mind that I can guarantee to write better responses than the garbage that is currently shit onto the pages of our beloved Generation.
MM: If your caliber of writing responses is anything like your caliber of writing questions, I highly doubt it.
AB: Your donation of pizza and balloons to 315 Student Union would greatly improve the quality of our answers. We do our best work when blaring Andrew WK, chowing down on some pie and bopping each other on the noggin with Mylar. Though we really appreciate your concern with the standards of Generation, you kind of sound like you suck, so just send us food and STFU.
I keep reading all these Generation personals, I must admit they're awesome but I have to ask, have any of them worked? Have two people ever gotten together thanks to one? Anyone?
MM: No one's ever told us that it's worked for them, and I have a suspicion it hasn't. I was in a class last semester where a girl submitted a personal about a guy in the class, admitting she had a crush on him. There was a lengthy back and forth, and someone even brought it up during lecture, but nothing ever happened as far as I know. The professor even offered to facilitate the process! The girl was too insecure to speak up about it, which is probably why she used the personals in the first place.
AB: Generation is not about bringing people together; It's about pulling people apart. Why would we ever want people to fall in love and be cute? That is disgusting. We just want people to fuck, hate each other, hate fuck, and then whine about it here. That’s something to read!
