In 1983, the video game industry as a whole crashed, as a lack of any sort of quality control created a flood of terrible software, to the misfortune of unsuspecting consumers. Fortunately, it was Nintendo who practically invented licensing for game consoles and, in turn, restored faith to the gaming world with its “Nintendo Seal of Quality.” Since then, the “Seal of Quality” has turned into simply the “Nintendo Seal,” leading me to believe that the Wii may bring in the second video game crash. After “playing” Rumble Massage, however, I feel that my blame may have been slightly misplaced. Microsoft will lose the faith of gamers sooner than Nintendo ever will.

First of all, Rumble Massage is not a game. I refuse to call it that due to its bare-bones nature. It exists as an unholy entity posing as a game by making itself available on the Xbox Live Marketplace, a place generally reserved for, well, games. In some sort of mad experiment gone wrong, Microsoft has created a section dedicated to community games, which are mostly games created by someone other than an actual game developer. I can’t even call them independent game designers because there are independent game developers that actually release software in the Live Arcade as opposed to the Community section. This is more of a place for amateur game designers who are trying to make a quick buck. The outlet for these people is usually the internet and random flash games, but those are a hell of a lot more entertaining than what I found with Rumble Massage.

What Rumble Massage is, is a simple application that makes your Xbox 360 controller rumble. There are six levels of intensity labeled as Fail, Sissy Chill, Relaxation, Power, and Epic Mode. If you have ever played a game on the console before, none of these sensations will be new to you. The other adjustment you can make is the pulse of the vibration which is designated by a strip of colors, each one corresponding to a different intensity. Together they for the “Super Massage-O-Meter,” and let me tell you, there is nothing super about it. And that’s the “game.” It’s simply playing with the vibration on a controller. If you want a better way to make a controller rumble, do it in better context, like shooting stuff in a first person shooter, driving into walls in any racing game, or just shake it real fast, because that’s free.

Rumble Massage costs 200 Marketplace points, which translates to $2.50. That’s a bit more than downloading a song onto Rock Band. It’s slightly more than getting two things off of McDonald’s dollar menu. It’s a good chunk out of any decent Live arcade game such as The Maw or Rez. Are you getting the point yet? This is pure garbage, and I have contributed to the fire by purchasing it for your advisement. Don’t buy this game. If it were worth the price of admission, it would have gotten the attention of a somewhat reputable publisher and not just gotten thrown into the dark corner of the New Xbox Experience. Stay away from Rumble Massage. Stay away from the Community games. You’d be best off setting your Xbox 360 on auto play and just letting Gears of War 2 boot up without any distractions. You’ve been warned.