Jeff: Let’s stop beating around the bush here. The periodic table is expanding, and new, often unstable, elements are being discovered everyday.* Our understanding of these atoms is limited. Soon enough, the governmental powers of the world will have developed a virus that breaks it’s victims down into blood-crazed zombies. Whether by accident or intent, you can bet your ass that it’s going to be released on your watch. Now, what do you do? A calm temperament is key. Perhaps you were walking around campus when the outbreak first became evident. Maybe you were driving to class as dozens of unconfirmed reports filled radio airwaves. Take a deep breath.

Michelle: Take a deep breath?! If there was ever a time to panic, it’s now. At this point it will be every man for himself. Get your ass to the nearest gas station, and grab as much gasoline as you can keep in tow. You’ll need a sufficient amount to support an escape to Nova Scotia as well as enough for…wait, do flamethrowers take unleaded or diesel?

J: Yeah, make sure you have enough to keep your flamethrower’s tank as close to full as possible. Are you kidding me?! Aside from the fact that most utilize natural gas and petrol, you’re just asking to burn up in a doomsday fireball. Who is going to start flocking to gas stations? Everyone. You’re wasting precious time you will need for fortification.

M: Well first of all, when it comes to the huge crowd of people at the gas station, its kind of where you want to be because—well, two words: human shield. Second of all, at the rate you’re going the only fortification you’re going to get are human brainz. Zombie epidemics are usually confined. You need to get out of New York State and into Wisconsin or something. They don’t usually make it past the boonies.

J: Maybe my cartography skills have been dulled, but I didn’t realize Nova Scotia was a town in Wisconsin. Zombies do not discriminate. They will tear out your throat whether your license plate says you’re a Bills or a Packers fan. Highways will quickly become impassable as vehicle wrecks mount.

M: If my proposition on hover-cars in California from 2004 would have passed, this wouldn’t be an issue, but I digress. In every great zombie film the protagonists concentrate in a large public area or keep on the move. The assholes who board themselves up in houses always die.

J: Not the assholes who are properly prepared. If you don’t own a firearm at the time of the outbreak you will soon find yourself at the will of anarchistic thieves and the undead roaming the streets. Garden tools will simply not cut it. Even Buffalonians, having an ice chipper laying around the garage throughout the year, will find the length of the blade inadequate and the wooden handle too flimsy for extensive head chopping.

M: A zombie outbreak is maybe one of a dozen instances where I would align myself with anarchistic thieves. What are you going to do when you run out of food? I want to know the streets like an aborigine knows his outback, like John Locke knows his island. I want to know the zombies like the tiger knows his prey. You need to keep them close so that you can study their habits and work around them for survival.

J: While you’re at it, why don’t you dust off the fine china and place settings for brunch? These guys will sooner kill you. Knowing where the nearest sporting goods store is crucial. While the rest of the world flocks to local gun shops, you’ll be perusing the luxury Walmart aisles in style, stocking up on thermal socks and running shoes before hitting the hunting department. Here you’ll find a range of practical, low caliber hunting rifles and shotguns that will do just the trick for sizing down a bloodthirsty cannibal.

M: With that plan, those running shoes will come in handy, if you know what I mean—unless you pick up a tube of shuttlecocks while you’re there. I hear zombies are badminton enthusiasts. This sounds like a terrible idea and a waste of gun resources that could be put to good use in my militia against life-deficient humans. It’s a collaborative grassroots movement that has not only succeeded in communist Russia and Obama’s campaign but will also lead to victory in the battle against zombies.

J: Forgive me for not wanting to rock the vote when my next-door neighbor is more interested in ripping out my jugular than returning my DVDs of Family Matters. There’s a reason hermits have a life expectancy a quarter century longer than everyone else; they aren’t subjected to the Marxist ramblings of burned out hippies. What has two thumbs and will be entirely self-reliant when the zombie virus leaks? This guy.

M: To this I respond with just one question; what would Rambo do? Rambo is the archetypal warrior just before Kevin Sorbo. What I’ve learned from First Blood is that it takes a will to engage in battle to survive. Simply staying indoors will atrophy your warrior spirit, therefore rendering you useless on the certain occasion you encounter a zombie.

J: How dare you challenge the clear-cut superiority of Kevin Sorbo’s Herculean perseverance? He is 6’3” of white, red, and blue.

M: How dare I? How dare you question the red, white, and blue running through John Rambo’s veins? Its unpatriotic terrorists like you that contribute to the mistreatment of veterans and subsequent zombie outbreak.

J: Wait a minute...what if they’re the fast zombies?

M: Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

* Not actually true