Okay, so I’ve been going out with this girl for almost eight months now. I’ve been a pretty good boyfriend with a little bit of asshole thrown in to spice it up. The thing is, she wont have sex with me. I actually like her, so I feel like I should wait ‘til she’s ready, however, I want to fuck her sideways, frontways, backways, and upside down. How can I get her to stop giving me head, and fuck my brains out till the zombie apocalypse?

MM: You really need to reevaluate your life when you start complaining about getting head. Seriously, if you honestly care about the girl, you will wait. In fact, coercion is considered by many to be a form of rape and can be psychologically traumatizing to her, so it’s seriously best for you to stop thinking with your dick, and to realize how lucky you are that she even pays you the time of day.

AB: Hell, if you told me that the zombie apocalypse was actually approaching, possibly occurring at any moment, I would fuck your brains out at that very instant. If I were you, I would start spreading the word, true or not, board up the doors and windows, and get to the sexin’. Just make sure the exits are sealed tight, you don’t want her to escape once she gets wind of the truth. Nothing gets a girl hotter than knowing that flesh-craved half-souls are on the prawl. It works every time.

Dear Generation, why do you feel the need to rip off every Buffalo Rising article?

MM: We’re not ripping off every Buffalo Rising article. It’s not our fault that only two things happen in Buffalo a week! We’re just trying to stay local.

AB: Hey man, at least we are not ripping off the pixilated photos, hyperbolized praising of a city forever doomed, and giving ourselves a pat on the back for doing absolutely nothing. At least we know we suck when we do absolutely nothing. P.S. Blow my dick.

I’m a virgin, by choice. I willingly decided to wait for marriage to have sex. But it feels like everyone around me is doing it, and sometimes it gets hard to get it out of my mind. Am I the only guy at UB like this?

MM: While you’re definitely a rarity, you can’t possibly be the only virgin at UB! My advice would really depend on what it is exactly you can’t get out of your mind…the sex or some kind of embarrassment over being a virgin. If it’s the former, maybe you should just consider doing it unless you fear some kind of eternal damnation as a consequence. If it’s the latter, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Your sex life isn’t anyone else’s business!

AB: Are you, like, a virgin-virgin, or just an asshole-virgin? If it’s the later, you’re not alone. Let’s say, this Thursday, you, me, a bottle of wine, a bottle of lube, some prescription painkillers get together, and we try to put the “od” back in “sodomoy.” I call firsties. And maybe even fisties.

So my roommates and I were discussing this and we were wondering where the best place on campus to have sex would be? Any suggestions?

MM: We wrote an article about this last semester, actually! We all unanimously agreed that larger places that are often unoccupied are good spots. Student Union Theater and possibly a lecture hall in Knox—but I’m not speaking from experience!

AB: The janitorial closet on the third floor of the Student Union last Wednesday while we were in production. I mean…what? P.S. I was okay with your fingers all…you know.

I get super wet during sex. Why? Some guys like it but others call me “Niagara Falls.” I don’t know what to think of it.

MM: As long as it doesn’t pose any physical discomfort, I think you shouldn’t sweat it. Any guy who gives you shit about being really wet when you’re having sex probably doesn’t deserve to have sex with you. Seriously. Think about how dumb that is.

AB: I don’t know if you read this column last week, but I kind of have the uncanny ability to dry a gal up like the Dust Bowl. Though I wouldn’t quite write off your predicament as anything too severe, you’re welcome to swing by the office here and let me give you the ol’ college try. I’m not promising I’ll be able to turn off the water works, but if my track record is any indication of my capabilities, I’ll have you dryer than a week-old sugar cookie.