I have this female friend who I’ve had a crush on for ages. She’s beautiful, smart, and surprisingly nice for her popularity. I, on the other hand, am (literally) the complete opposite—tall and on the heavy side, not the brightest cookie in the shed, but still a nice guy. Every time I talk to her she seems to just talk to me out of pure niceness but is obviously interested in a friend of mine, and I’m scared she’s using me as a gateway to him which sadly has happened to me more times than I want to comment on out of the pain it brings. Basically, I just want to know how to get the girl in the end and actually win for once. - Sleepless in Buffalo
MM: The best thing I think for you to do is talk to her. Tell her your concerns, and let her in on your feelings. If she’s worth being with, she’ll be charmed. For the record, being her complete opposite is in no way a handicap to you. Remember what Paula Abdul says—“Opposites attract.”
AB: I just want to know what the cookie is doing in the goddamn shed. Holy mackerel. Now there’s a brain-buster.
Secretly I really wanna bang my boss here at UB, partially because he is such an asshole, and I really love anal...what should i do??
MM: A lot of people secretly want to have sex with their boss, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is when the secret desires cross the line into reality. Think about all the potential possibilities, and yeah, think about the worst-case scenario—do you really want to end up in a sexual harassment case? Probably not. Keep it secret, at least until you’re no longer an employee.
AB: Michelle, what did I tell you about submitting your own questions to the magazine?
Now, I encounter a lot of grief from other guys when I tell them I don’t like getting blow jobs. To me, I can’t get off at the fact that my girlfriend, or whoever is on the job, is doing something they can’t stand and/or hates doing. Does not liking them or thinking that they are somewhat degrading make me a pussy?
MM: I am not sure why you assume all women hate giving blow jobs. A lot of women enjoy giving their partner pleasure in whatever form that takes, just like how a lot of dudes like going down on their girlfriends. Secondly, the act of fellatio does not necessarily have to be a degrading act if done between consensual partners who respect each other, but if you just don’t like it, it’s not a big deal at all.
AB: I don’t know if it makes you a pussy, but it certainly doesn’t make you your girlfriend’s mouth. I know that much at least. Bam!
What does Generation have against communists??
MM: Assuming you are referencing Jeff Froustet’s latest back page, “Communists Need Not Apply,” back pages generally do not reflect the attitudes and feelings of the magazine as a whole—neither do our edit notes, which is why in this issue you will see “Fear of a Red Planet,” my very own communist manifesto of sorts.
AB: I personally love communists. Supervising editor Jeff Froustet, on the other hand, whose editorial from issue 18 you are surely referencing, well, he speaks for himself. For the record, the cute, quiet junior with the helping hands also hates the noise chalk makes on blackboards, disposable nylon socks from shoe stores, and any soap that isn’t Irish Spring with aloe, so I would take whatever he says with a grain of salt. Please keep in mind that, though the editorial board of the magazine does indeed take responsibility for the contents of each issue as a whole, if the opinions in each article published represented the thoughts of the entire staff, everyone here would be crude, misogynistic pricks that cannot get enough of kitty cats, blow jobs, and monster trucks.
The one year anniversary of me and girlfriend’s relationship is coming up. We want to have a special night, but according to her feminine schedule, she will be on her period. Does wearing a condom make it okay to surf the crimson tide? Am I a freak for even considering this?
MM: You are definitely not a freak. Many couples choose to have sex while a female partner is on their period, and some women even enjoy it more due to the heightened sensitivity that they experience during menstruation. I would definitely wear a condom either way, but do not engage in this behavior unless you are both completely, 100% sure you are both disease free. New Scientist magazine has cited that a woman infected with HIV is more likely to pass the virus on during while having unprotected intercourse,
AB: I’ve never even been on a surfboard before, but I imagine that a snug latex cap on your wang would greatly diminish your flexibility, but hell, if that is what your girlfriend has in mind for your anniversary, I would just go with the flow. Double bam!
