My friend has been chasing this girl for a few weeks now. I am also interested in the same girl, but he doesn’t know. Last night I slept with her. Should I tell him?
MM: I guess that depends on what you both mean by “chasing.” Were you both just trying to do her, or do you both have legitimate romantic feelings for her? If he was just trying to sleep with her, then I doubt he’s going to be all that hurt outside of maybe his alpha-male pride being bruised, but if he really liked her, you need to tell him right away. In fact, you probably should have told him before it even got to this point. I’d be prepared for him to be pretty pissed, but not as pissed as him finding out through anyone besides you—and the sooner, the better.
AB: While I certainly believe you should tell me, I think it would best be presented in the form of a knock-knock joke. Knock knock. Who’s there? Me, fucking Catherine last night, while you cried in bed stalking her Facebook page on your laptop. I mean, I would laugh it off.
Dear Generation, I think my olfactory sense is super human. I feel like I can identify people by smell. Is this normal?
MM: Maybe you just hang out with particularly stinky people. I’ve met a few infamously rank people in my day, and I could usually smell them coming from at least ten feet away. If that’s not the case, doctors also cite a heightened sense of smell to pregnancy, too, so maybe you’ll want to get that checked out.
AB: My friend Steve, in ninth grade, he could tell us he could smell the next day’s lunch in the cafeteria before anyone knew. We all believed him for a while until we realized his mom was the lunchlady. We then ridiculed him until sometime after senior picture day because his mom had to wear a hairnet, but, in hindsight, he probably got a lot of free chocolate milk, so I guess the joke is on us. So…yeah, you’re fine. Next question, please.
Well my girlfriend of four years just, out of the blue, told me it’s over and that she doesn’t want this relationship anymore. Everything was fine. She said she changed, that I’m a great guy, and that she wishes me the best. What should I do? Should I just walk away and see what the future holds for me?
MM: When people have been in relationships for that long, they generally don’t break up with their partners without good reason, and they especially don’t do it without having thought about it for a while. It’s definitely best to just get on with your life, because even if you do win her back, things will never be the same.
AB: You should walk away right to Target and pick up a fire extinguisher, because your ex’s pants are truly quite ablaze, son. Sorry to say this, but she let you down the easy way, and for the hard-to-follow, that means she lied her ass off to save you some heartache. While you’re shopping, pick up a pool cue, some leather gloves, and maybe an alibi, cause there is most certainly a new fella that you need to have a word with. If you need help, let me know. I know karate. No joke. I will destroy.
Dear Generation, I had a baby a few months ago, and life couldn’t be better for my girlfriend, my son William, and myself. But lately I have been growing concerned that my girlfriend may not be the real mother. I cheated on her about a year ago, and I don’t know if the baby is hers. What should I do? Do I bring it up or leave it alone?
MM: Assuming you are a gender-bending queer couple (congrats by the way! Go Iowa!), I think you really need to call Maury Povich. He has an entire show dedicated to couples like you once a month, and it’s probably the gentlest way of breaking the news to her—and a great way of finding out the truth.
AB: Enough about you, does this kid need a babysitter? This job ends in a month, and I am really good at getting baked and watching Sesame Street for $5 an hour.
Generation, why do you persist to censor out the numbers of classes in the personals? Is it for the false sense of privacy or security that your paranoid selves feel like you have a responsibility to uphold? Would you censor me if I randomly named classes like: PSY 407, MUS 155, MTH 151, and HIS 215? Just curious and a little annoyed.
MM: Yeah, you kind of hit the nail on the head. Why send in a question when you already know the answer? Anyway, we regularly get shit for the personals as is, and the last thing we need is some kind of assault to happen over them and it somehow be linked to us because we blatantly said where the person would be at such and such a time. I’m sorry if it annoys you (not really), but if you care so much about the personals, you probably deserve the irritation.
AB: Who told you we were paranoid? Where are you getting that from? No one said we were paranoid. WHY DO YOU THINK WE’RE PARANOID?
