She shuddered as he ran his cold, gangly fingers down the small of her back. Thoughts raced through her mind—thoughts she had pushed to the furthest corners of her warped, tattered mind, but were now triggered by his simple action. She would have done anything to save herself from having to relive that night again, anything short of actually confronting it, anyway. She could feel differences between what she was going through now and what she went through then. That man’s fingers weren’t so thin, so innocent, so cautious as they savagely pressed over inch after inch of her soft, pale skin. She stood up abruptly to save herself from continuing that train of thought. Let’s just try and live this night, she thought to herself as she gave him a reassuring, yet awkward smile.

She walked toward the door and looked back at him, sitting there on the bed with his left leg resting on her comforter and his right leg dangling off the edge, just barely far enough for the tips of his toes to brush the plump carpet. Innocent. She knew that he was nothing but innocent, and that was enough to calm the recent tumult that she had been experiencing. A soft laugh escaped her throat; it was the kind that said that everything wasn’t all right, but that she was willing to ignore it. She flipped off the light switch and stood motionless. Standing there, she contemplated walking out the door; it would have been so easy. She just didn’t want him to get the wrong message. He was the first man who treated her like a human being since the incident. She was also afraid to have anything more, but she was more afraid to lose what she had.

She let her eyes adjust to the new darkness, with just a few thin rays of light shining in through the half-closed curtains. She saw him adjust his position on the bed, swinging his left leg down so that he was facing her. His silhouette straightened up, anticipating her approach. Halfway between the door and the bed, she stopped, knowing that he would love to see her undress. She smiled, mostly to herself because she knew that the light coming through the windows behind her allowed him to see only her silhouette. Her arms reached down, and she slowly, teasingly, peeled her shirt over her head. Once it was off, she shook her hair out the way she had seen the girls do it in the movies, and she dropped the shirt to the floor beside her feet. She lifted each foot in succession, unbuckled the straps on her sandals, slid them off her feet, and dropped them in the same place where her shirt had fallen. All without the slightest bit of unsteadiness.

Once that was finished, she took two steps towards the bed, watched his reaction, and stopped. She raised her arms above her head, slowly turned in a circle, and then continued. As she reached the place where he sat, she reached out one of her dainty arms and took hold of his hand, beckoning him to stand up. He seemed different to her now, in this dark room; he seemed taller than he was before. He put his hands to her cheeks and leaned in for a kiss. His hands felt larger, fuller than they had when he rubbed them across her back just a couple of minutes ago. She found her own hands grabbing onto the bottom of his tightly fitting t-shirt and lifting it; he didn’t do anything to stop her, and as it passed over his head and his hands were let free, she felt them come to a rest on her hips.

He seemed to know just how to make her feel comfortable. Everything in moderation, that’s what he always said, wasn’t it? It wasn’t in his nature to rush into anything; even the smallest decision such as choosing what to order when out to dinner became a conscious, thought out choice to him. That was one thing that she found so attractive about him—he lacked spontaneity. It seemed safer that way. The fewer number of variables, the more in control she felt. As he kissed her again, she felt herself smile through the embrace. He felt the new shape that her mouth took, and he responded by leading her very deliberately to the edge of the bed, allowing her to sit down as he stood there and unbuckled his belt, letting it drop to the floor.

She leaned back until her head pressed softly against the pillow. His silhouette walked nearer to where she was until it was right next to her. She felt one knee press against the bed, next to her left thigh, and his left knee soon followed next to her right thigh. The darkness disappeared from his face as he brought it closer and closer to hers, until it was close enough so that she could lift her head just off of the pillow to meet his lips again. He injected passion into every movement that he made. It was hard for her to understand how he could be so gentle and so caring after what she experienced before she met him. A whole new world opened up to her.

Hands caressed, rubbed, and grabbed. As the scene escalated, they both felt an approaching inability to turn back. Even before she knew what she was doing, her hands had unbuttoned his pants and were trying to slide them off his hips and legs. She rubbed her hands across his chest, and she could smell him, that distinct scent that she could recognize as him without having to see him. Next, she felt his hands reach inside her waistband and pop the button from her jeans, unzipping the small metal teeth. That was all she heard at that moment; the metal pull tab seemed to echo as it popped the tiny clasps apart. She shook it out of her mind, and he pulled her pants off, awkwardly.

His mouth returned to her neck as he alternated between kissing her passionately and speaking soft words into her ear. She felt perfect, slowly gaining more confidence from his careful movements, and she felt it was her turn to comfort him. She rolled him over, ultimately switching places, and she unhooked her bra in the back and tossed it onto the floor. A smile spread across her face, and she rubbed his chest before leaning in and kissing his neck. He let out a sigh as she reached the point where his neck met his collar bone. Seized by the pure ecstasy of the moment, he returned to his position on top as he slid off his boxer briefs and kicked them to the floor. Her panties followed almost immediately, and he made his way down her chest, kissing each spot until he reached her stomach, where she let out a giggle as his unshaven face brushed past her belly button.

He looked up at her face and asked if she wanted to do this. Without even the slightest hesitation, she nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. As he brought his face close to hers, he kissed her softly on the lips, and it seemed to say everything will be all right. His hand moved from beside her chest, and she felt something press up against her. She shuddered and froze solid where she was. He asked if everything was okay, if she wanted him to stop, but she shook her head and said that this was what she wanted—he was whom she wanted. He kissed her again as he pushed himself inside of her. She felt the warmth of him enter into her body, and she felt a gasp escape from her mouth. It wasn’t at all how she thought it would be. What had she expected though? He was so calm, so caring, she knew that he wouldn’t hurt her. It was strange at first, but then she just let herself enjoy it. She could feel him slowly moving his hips, and as she picked up on the rhythm, she countered it with a movement of her own. As she reached her climax, she felt another shudder run through her body, this time because of release.