I am a karaoke veteran. I mean, in high school, no one told me that there were public venues that encouraged you to make an ass of yourself. Well, outside of reality TV, anyhow. I have hit a good number of karaoke nights at only the filet of Buffalo dives. I have both pitied the sad drunk sop crooning to an indifferent crowd, and have been that sad drunk sop, soulfully forgetting the words to Pat Benatar. I have learned a few things in my leisure pastime of making a spectacle of myself. I appear here before you to impart these valuable gems to the lesser seasoned, so that you may never find yourself being booed off stage in the middle of Air Supply.

One: Karaoke is not a place for you to express yourself. Seriously. It’s perfectly alright if the song you choose means something to you, but karaoke isn’t really as much about you as you want to think it is. Essentially, people have to be entertained by you for it to be any fun. No one really, I mean really feels like sitting through your convicted rendition of “Proud to Be an American.” No one can dance to it, no one really gives enough of a shit to sing along, and sadly, most people don’t care how proud you may be to be an American. They’re pretty much there to get sloshed and laugh at you.

Two: Know the lyrics. Don’t let the crowd sing for you. You wish you were a little bit taller, you wish you were a….a….a what? Come prepared, dude. The lyrics on the screen are a crutch, but to put on a truly rousing performance, know your shit. The less time you waste concentrating on that screen, the more time you can devote to wowing them with your sick dance moves.

Three: Sing, damn it, sing. I have had to sit through some boring-ass karaoke. Sure, you’ve mustered up the courage to sign up to sing, but once you get up there, you deliver “Pour Some Sugar On Me” like a middle school declamation contest. Needless to say, karaoke involves…singing. You want to perform a spoken word rendition of “Enter Sandman”? You will not only bore the fuck out of us, but you will leave us wondering how you’re not desperately bored yourself.

Four: Rap is for people with rhythm. Some Run DMC can really get a crowd going, but unless you can keep up, you’ll find the karaoke track suddenly drowned out by a resounding demand for you to get the off the stage. Rap is a challenge for some, and if you don’t think for a second that you are prepared for such a challenge, take it from me and choose something a little more your speed.

Five: Save “Bohemian Rhapsody” for special occasions or groups of three or more. This song gets sung to death no matter where I go for karaoke. Sure it’s fun as hell, but you can bet that four other people in the room have already signed up for it. Besides, it is a song that is usually better sung in a group. It’s usually much more entertaining that way. Besides, you can impress everyone with that rendition of “Big Bottomed Girls” you’ve been practicing in private.

Six: When all else fails, go with a power ballad. I can’t really sing. I’m a little better at…well, yelling. Power ballads are perfect for this. The more you go nuts and wail out, the more people love you. The people up front are clapping for you, the people in back are talking about you, and the bartender’s pouring you a free shot. They’re also some of the most fun songs to sing. There’s nothing like belting Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” to burn off some steam from a long day.

Seven: Respect the equipment. I have had two incidents when a group of friends and I have gotten in trouble for damaging the equipment in some way. Some places are even as stuck up enough to demand that you do not so much as tap on the microphone, rhythmically or otherwise. While these are places you should probably avoid for a good time out, they still dispense a pretty penny to provide this equipment. Don’t fuck with it. The last thing you want is to be thrown out, or worse, to ruin karaoke for everyone else. Any friends you made after your spirited version of “Suspicious Minds” will swiftly become bitter enemies.

Eight: Respect the dude. The dude is the person that takes care of the karaoke. You tell him/her what you want to sing, and they make it happen. They also spend a good share of the evening dealing with drunken assholes. Be nice. Tip. Volunteer a duet. I mean, seriously, you get to have all the fun, and he just gets to press some buttons? Share the love, man.

Nine: Some dance moves never hurt anyone. Well, not any that I’ve seen, although I’m sure it’s possible. Make it an act! Throw your hips in a few different directions, shuffle your feet in a groovy way, and interact with crowd members. This is probably the closest you’ll come to being a rock star, so milk it for all it’s worth. Milk it hard enough and someone might just toss a frilly gift onto the stage.

Ten: Nobody likes country. Even at karaoke. Sorry Taylor Swift fans, but it’s true. It’s soppy, boring, sad bastard shit. What you choose to listen to in the privacy of your own iPod is none of my business, I will accede, but what you choose to subject people to on stage is everyone’s business. This kind of ties in with commandment number one. In some way, you have to consider your audience. Whether you like it or not, there isn’t karaoke without an audience, and your audience more than likely does not damn well give a shit about country music. Spare them. Go with a pop song instead. It will save you the type of despair that can only be expressed in…well, a country song.

Take my teachings to heart, my friends. They will prove valuable in your performative pursuits. Think of me when you order that next pitcher and sign up to belt out “Message in a Bottle.” I hope to see some of you around in the gritty underbelly that is dive karaoke.