Amherst, NY (CC)— The New York State Center for Engineering Design and Industrial Innovation (NYSCEDII) was the recent recipient of a piece of unnecessary and superfluous technology. No longer content to use the same swipe card system as the rest of the university (which, according to NYSCEDII Director of Operations Micah Fallen, “are so late 20th century,”) or the antiquated system of “lock and key,” because of the implied sexual metaphor, the Center has decided to go with the new bioMetric “Veriprint 2100” fingerprint identification system. The $1600 units reads the “minutiae points” on your fingertips—or on other various body parts, as countless photocopiers can attest to—that are unique to every individual.

Though the system has only been in place a mere few weeks, discontent is already growing with other groups on campus, who are no longer satisfied with their current technology, and have come down with a serious case of “knob” envy. Putznum’s employee Lesley Amico says, “What the hell do they have in there that’s so freaking important? Why can’t we get fingerprint scanners on all the produce freezers? Hell, all we get is periodic urine tests for drug use—where’s the fun in that?”

Indeed, technology centers on campus have long been accused of overspending on unnecessary equipment that is purely designed to impress the uneducated with showy displays, in order to trick the public into thinking their work is legitimately useful—like, for instance, what NASA has been doing since the late 1960s. The Institution for Computational Research (ICR) has shown that they are able to take advantage of this phenomenon with the best of them.

Located in 9 Norton, the ICR features a large window that allows the public to see exactly what their tuition is being wasted on. Besides the large billboard displays, the “technology demos” playing on a large television set, and a large banner proclaiming that you are, in fact, looking in on the ICR, there is a whole room filled with computers that exist for no reason except to look impressive. While you can occasionally watch a graduate engineering students render 3d objects as interesting and complex as spheres, the majority of the technology exists purely as show. Many computers are outfitted with overpriced flat-panel monitors, which serve no purpose outside of looking really expensive in spy movies.

However, students have been unable to take advantage of these facilities. Micheal Jacobs, a graduate student in the College of Arts and Action Film, was denied entry into the ICR. “I just wanted to work on my spy movie and they told me ‘no live ammo,’” Jacob’s recounted. “How can I make my movie without live ammo? It’s not like I’m using fragmentation grenades. Please. Screw my technology fee— I don’t need Microsoft Office. Now, what we should have, is the ability to download three different versions of the Charlie’s Angels trailer, customized to show only your preferred actress. Now that’s progress.”

Next Week:

Rockstars Chris Cornell and Dave Navarro to teach seminar on the care and feeding of cool facial hair

Generation; Why Judah isn’t the only cult in town

On eBay: Kevin Costner’s poop; rare item. Fecal Matter.