-Our top story this week: Hollywood golden couple Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise have split up. I would like to take this time to express my dearest sympathies to Nicole and Tom on their hardship and to send a personal message out to Nicole: "Hey, Nikki babe, if you need a shoulder to cry on, Big Daddy Chris is here for ya."

-Teen pop sensation Britney Spears signed an endorsement contract with Pepsi, joining the ranks of Michael Jackson, Ray Charles, and that annoying little seven-year-old bitch. Well, now that Britney is a corporate whore, we can only hope that soon she'll be a full-fledged streetwalker.

-The producers of Live with Regis have announced that soap opera actress Kelly Ripa will be the show's new permanent co-host, and guess what folks-- this one has an annoying voice and kids, too. When asked for comment, Philbin said "Well, at least this one doesn't sing."

-In the new issue of Vanity Fair, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner says that he now has seven girlfriends. Let's face it folks-- Hef is the closest thing we have to a Roman god. Isn't it amazing what Viagra can do for a guy?

-And finally... it is a sad time in the world: After a decade long run, what was once the world's most watched television show, Baywatch, will be going off the air. Words cannot express how low this revelation has brought my soul; it is becoming hard for me to even breathe. Ahhh, who am I kidding? It's sucked since Hasselhoff left.