Three weeks ago, Public Safety received an unusual distress call from the house of Pi Delta Pi. It seems that the sorority girls found themselves victims of a panty raid. An estimated 10,000 pairs of panties were reported stolen from the various dressers and hampers.

Head Pi, Betty Childs says that until the underwear is returned, the Pis' social life will be hampered. "Us Pis have to maintain an air of decency when we go raving or clubbing. Well, except for Suzy, who doesn't wear underwear anyway. But the rest of us have reputations to worry about."

Public Safety didn't have any leads on the case until last week, when several eyewitnesses stepped forward and reported seeing several members of the University at Amherst's (UA) administration fleeing the scene of the crime. UA Provost Lizzie Cariati denied any involvement on her part, claiming that she doesn't even know where the Pi Delta Pi house is, but seventh-year undergrad student Obadiah Springfield swears he is correct in his identification. "Friend, I tell ye, twas her. I'd knowest her heinous mug, even without the aid of a candle."

UA Vice President of Student Proceedings Dennis Block admitted to roaming the Pi Delta Pi hallways, but for entirely different reasons. "It was part of a scavenger hunt. I had to find a copy of the old Milton Bradley game, Mystery Date. Stan Gable told me the Pis might have one. This was really important. I want to become an Alpha Beta."

UA President Billy Gryner simply issued a statement proclaiming, "I enjoy the smell of used thongs. Is that so wrong?"

Childs, however, believes that the administration is being framed. "Sure, they're dirty old perverts," she said. "But they're not the ones who stole our panties. This is the work of those mischievous pranksters, Lewis Skolnick and Gilbert Lowe, from the Lambda Lambda Lambda frat."

Upon hearing Childs' comments, Gryner retracted his earlier statement and said, "Uh, yeah, it was those two. Damn nerds. We should kick their ass. That Betty Childs sure is a fine piece of Pi, isn't she?"

FYI: The first reported panty raid occurred at Augustana College on February 24, 1949 when 200 to 300 men raided the Women's Building.