-Self-anointed king of pop Michael Jackson gave a lecture at Oxford to promote his children's charity, the goal of which is to help children gain the love and attention they need to flourish. Jackson said his plan involves turning into a robot to stop Joe Pesci... and letting young boys touch his penis.

-Brazialian supermodel Gisele Bundchen announced that she's retiring from modeling because she is fed up with the frenetic pace of the runways. Instead, she has decided to opt for the less stressful job of making fourteen year old boys masturbate.

-The FBI reported that they were in the midst of an investigation into a potential plot to kidnap actor Russell Crowe. Though no official statement has been released, agent Clarice Starling remarked that their prime suspect was Tom Hanks, who believes that Crowe is his biggest challenge to winning a third Oscar. No word yet on potential plots to kidnap Celine Dion.

-Murray Hill Publications won a lawsuit against 20th Century Fox when a jury decided that the hit movie Jingle All The Way bore too much of a resemblamce to an MHP script. Star Arnold Schwarzenegger, who believed the film to be his finest hour, was devastated at the news that he starred in a movie that wasn't 100% original. He reportedly said, "Maria, my mighty heart is breaking" before driving his Humvee off a cliff.