HOW TO DO A KEG STAND

>>>PAUL NAGLE

One of the most infamous aspects of many college parties has been the irreverent consumption of large quantities of any alcohol present. Whether it is keg beer, mixed drinks, or just plain old hard liquor, everyone at these parties seems willing to get sloppy drunk. As much fun as this sounds, there is nothing more amusing than watching someone, anyone, make an attempt at their first keg stand.

Before you begin though, check the tap. Many times the tap is not working well, or the keg has been shaken up, and no one can drink a minutes worth of foam. A keg that is pouring well makes this whole operation that much easier on all concerned. The foam is what makes people puke as soon as they are let down.

So how exactly is it done? First off, you will need a couple of strapping young men to hold your feet up in the air while you apply a death grip to the rim of the keg. Don’t let go and try not to slip, as this will end up in someone getting hurt, namely you. So hold on tight.

You will need one person to help you with the tap, although many people try to hold onto the hose themselves, so that they can stop the flow of beer whenever they want. This one is your call. At any rate, all you need to do is open the tap and stick that disgusting black hose in your mouth! Now, drink all the beer you can, the idea is to keep drinking for as long as you can.

Now you are ready to consume as much beer as possible in as short a period of time as you can. But remember, practice makes perfect. You can’t expect to be an expert guzzler right away, it takes a little time. Have fun with it and you’ll get the hang of it, soon you’ll be ready to impress all your friends. Just don’t leave your dinner in the toilet, or outside if you can help it... vomiting scares away potential hook-ups.

How to Roll your own cigarette and "blunt"

Dutch E. Littrees

If this is your first time rolling your own cigarette, be sure to buy a bigger size rolling paper, such as Joker 1 1/2 or 1 1/4 size. The rolling paper will have a glue strip at one end and a fold in the middle. Hold the paper so that the gluestrip is on top facing you. Make a fold in the paper about half-way between the fold and the bottom of the paper. Fill the crevice created by the two folds with (tobacco). Note: if your (tobacco) is of low quality remove all unwanted sticks , stems, etc.

Hold the paper up, letting the (tobacco) get caught in the bottom fold. Try to distribute the (tobacco) evenly along the length of the paper almost to the ends. Keep a small amount of space at either end, this will prevent loss during the actual rolling. Fold this pocket of (tobacco) upward tightly and conitinue rolling upward until only the glue strip is left. Make sure that as you roll the paper you keep running your fingers along the length of the paper, continuously tightening. Don’t be afraid toslighlty unroll and re-roll a few times if you think it’s loose. Now, lick the gluestrip and wrap it tightly to the body of the cigarette. Dry it off briefly with a lighter and your’e ready to go.

The easiest cigar to roll is a Phillie Blunt. They are availb le at most corner stores and will usually cost about fifty cents. To begin you must slice the cigar open all along it’s length either with a blade or your fingers. Empty the contens of the Blunt into the garbage. Rip the rounded edge off, so that you have a rectangle shape d piece of cigar paper. Immediattely lick along all of the edges of the Blunt in order to keep the various thin pieces of paper stuck on the outside stuck to the inner leaf. Set aside for the moment.

Again, if you have low quality (tobacco) make sure to remove all unwanted sticks, stems etc. Place the (tobacco) into the Blunt paper slightly below the exact middle. Place a bit more in the middle than at the ends and, again, leave a little spave with no (tobacco) at the ends. Fold the bottom half of the Blunt paper over the (tobacco) and roll upwards. When you have rolled it completely, lick both pieces of Blunt paper where they will meet and seal. It is usually easier to roll it up loosely, and then go back and re-roll each end seperately in order to tighten it up. Continue re-rolling and licking until the Blunt stays rolled tightly by itself. Dry it off with a lighter, or if you’re really lazy, put it in the microwave for about 7-10 seconds.

How To DUMP A ONE-NIGHT STAND >>> KRISTIN KUNERT

"He was cute at the time..." Sound familiar? Now you can have as much anonymous and meaningless sex as you please without worrying about last night's dish becoming your new significant other. Here is how to get rid of that pesky one night stand from hell. If you don't care about their feelings, follow these steps:

1) Upon waking up, look at them, groan, and turn over with your back to their face.

2) If they don't get the hint that you don't want to share your bed, get up, put on some clothes, and tell them that you are going to be late for your gynecologist appointment. Tell them you need to clear up that nasty infection. Or, tell them that you need to pick up your girlfriend of three years at the airport. For an added touch, remark how it is your anniversary, and her birthday.

3) If they insist on a number, give them a fake one, or tell them to call your (non-existant) cell phone.

4) Slam the door behind them, and throw something hard and pointy at your roommates who are laughing hysterically at you.

Avoid this method if:

a) He or she has cute friends

b) He or she is a friend of a friend

c) He or she gives good head

If you care about their feelings, do this:

1) Upon waking up, just leave the room and go watch T.V. Let them sleep.

2) When they wake up and find you fully clothed, eating lucky charms in the kitchen with your roommate, they will realize (without saying a thing) that this one night stand is over, and morning sex is out of the question.

3) Tell them that you will see them around campus. Do not say anthing along the lines of "I'll talk to you later" or "it was fun." These statements simply imply that there will be a phone call, a date, a repeat of the night before, or worse.

And, above all, do not let them leave the premises with any of your personal belongings, be it a sweatshirt, a can opener, a UNC hat, or even a toothpick. This will only compel them to contact you again to return the items, and we all know how to use the UB phone directory. On the same note, make sure they have everything when they leave. This way they won’t have a legitimate reson to contact you. Even worse, they may ask your REAL girlfriend or boyfriend to pick up the item and bring it to class on Wednesday.