[This story is inspired by the Video Library of Roots and the following drugs: Benedril, Demerol, Dramine and mescaline. God is a registered trademark and appears courtesy of the Roman Catholic Church. Not to be Used Without Permission.]
A Southern plantation in the early 1800s:
SLAVE: Tieeeeeed to the whippin' post. I been Tiiiiiiieeeed to tha whippin' post. Oh lordy, where could you be?
(The slaves of this plantation sing in a beautiful union as their voices flow gracefully upward, lifting their spirits as the beautiful melodies flow up to heaven to praise the lord on high. The lord on high, being drunk and bored, and having nothing better to do, stumbles down from heaven with his eyes closed, dancing a little jig.)
GOD: Tiiiieeeed, oh tiiiiiied to tha whippin' post. Oh lordy, oh lordy, I...
(The slaves slowly, one by one, turn their heads and stare at their own personal incarnation of God, who is mindlessly dancing to the beat of the drums, which eventually stop. Silence)
GOD: Ohhh, looordy, tieed, tiiiiied to the... Hey, who stopped the music? I...
(The slaves are all staring.)
GOD: Oh, crap. Right. Not supposed to see me. Hey, guys, just pretend I wasn't here, ok? Um... blind faith and all, you know?
SLAVE: Our prayers have been answered! He's come to save us!
GOD: What? No, no... I was just... Listen, I just came down to sing along for a little... I was just looking for...
SLAVE: Your son? Your only begotten son? Whom you sent to Earth to save your children?
GOD: Yes, him! I was... No, no. I was looking for a donut or something, to eat. Um...
SLAVE: But lordy, the Scripture says...
GOD: Which scripture is this?
SLAVE: Why, the good and honest gospel, which tells us...
GOD: You mean, like the New Testament?
SLAVE: Yes, your holy word, which states that...
GOD: Right, right. So I don't follow the New Testament.
SLAVE: Hmm?
GOD: Well, I'm Jewish.
SLAVE:...
CONGREGATION:......
GOD: Um, right... Listen, keep singing. It's great and all. I'll get back to you, I have to go.
SLAVE: Lordy, don't leave us! Haven't you come to aid in our time of need?
GOD: Right, about that. I mean, it's all cosmic, you know? The universe is big and unpredictable, but everything has patterns that link and unite and... I mean, it all makes sense in the end, you know? And even if it doesn't, I mean, at least you can sit back and laugh at the whole mess... Heh... Hehhehe... Hahahaha... Oh, brother. So no donuts, huh?
SLAVE: ...
GOD: Right. Listen, I know it's hard for you, but you'll pull through. It's not like human suffering is pointless, right? After all, as Jesus proclaimed on the cross, and I'm sure you'll find this in your "go spells," human suffering is a duck.
SLAVE: A duck? Doesn't say that in my bible. You guys?
CONGREGATION: No sir.
GOD: Are you sure? What bibles are you reading, anyway? Kids can't get your quotes right, can ya? Yeah, I think so. A duck... No, wait. That was Joan of Arc
SLAVE: The who of what?
GOD: Joan of... Oh, nevermind. Say what do they feed you here anyway?
SLAVE: We's not sure. We think it's burnt rice, but somethin' keep movin' in it
GOD: Oh for the love of... Okay. Well, nevertheless, I mean it's justified suffereing, right? Am I right? One second you're whining about your lives, the next you have a number one single... Tiiied to the Whippin'...
SLAVE: Sir, we's getting beat fo' singin' them songs.
GOD: Oh. Well, anyway, as Jesus said on the cross, and I'm sure you'll find this in your Bar-Bel...
SLAVE: Bible. Your truth and word is in the Bible.
GOD: Okay. Well as Louis Armstrong said...
SLAVE: Who?
GOD: Louis Armst- Ohhhhh, right. Wrong time period. Not helping much, am I?
SLAVE: ...
GOD: So as Judas said as he swung from his noose, human suffering is a duck.
SLAVE: A duck, sir?
GOD: Sure. It didn't make much sense to me at first, but you think about it, you know?
(God does a little duck dance.)
GOD: Quack, quack. Like that. Make sense?
(The congregation is horrified. A baby starts to cry.)
GOD: Oh brother. Listen, I'm gonna go now. I'll see you.
(The Congregation is looking all sad, flashing semi puppy dog eyes.)
GOD: Oh, listen... I mean, I'm sorry.
SLAVE: Lordy, is all this true?
GOD: I don't know. I don't know. You ask too many questions. You ask too much. I can't fix the universe, you know? I mean, your sink, sure. God can fix your sink, but nobody ever asks for that. You can all fix the universe if you tried. I don't know what you want me for.
SLAVE: You are hope to us.
GOD: I know, I know. everybody wants hope. I want some sleep. I just...
(God takes a seat and burys his head in his hands.)
GOD: It's just that I have to be so many things to so many people, you know? And I just don't know what to do! And I think...
(God starts snapping his fingers.)
GOD: I think who am I?
(The congregation snaps their fingers.)
GOD: I think who am I, if not snapping my fingers? Who am I if not dusting my gingers? If not making worlds turn? Being portayed by George Burns? I'm God. I'm God!
(The heavens burst open, the official God Dancers come down from heaven and a song breaks out. The slaves all dance, perfectly choreographed to the tune of Chicago. Slaves are playing tom toms. It's even prettier than a scene from a Disney movie. Unfortunately, Chicago is a full-length, and after about ten minutes, these pallid charicatures get tired and come down. God makes a big splashy finale as Louis Armstrong catches him in his arms.)
GOD (tired): So you see? Ducks and stuff... I mean, whatever. I get confused sometimes too. Just dance it off, chalk it up to faulty circumstances and let's move on. I gotta go now.
SLAVE: Will you come back, lordy?
GOD: Uhhh, no. Sorry. I mean, listen. Have you guys looked into any other religions? Aren't you being closed minded ? There are all sorts of Eastern religions... Um, how about Ganesh? You ever hear of him? The elephant?
SLAVE: Elephant?
GOD: Yeah, yeah. I'll have him give you a call. I gotta go now.
(The angels and choirs return to heaven, and God stumbles awkwardly out of the picture. Ganesh mystically apears, a giant elephant God with all sorts of arms and shiny things. A far more impressive deity.The first slave aproaches cautiously.)
SLAVE: You uh... You sing?
GANESH: Tiiiiiieeed, to the whippin' post... I been tied... To a whippin' post... Oh lordy, set me free.
SLAVE: Good enough. Someone get our friend a tomtom.
[And that's How that Went.]
