Here at the prestigious University at Amherst (UA), many myths have persisted through the years, including but not limited to: the existence of a competent school newspaper, the benefits of Division 1-A athletics, and the hauntings by the ghosts of people buried in the swamplands this campus was built upon. But the most popular of these, without a doubt, is that pertaining to the Lockwood Masturbator. It was rumored that late at night, while all good librarians sleep, the Lockwood Masturbator prances around the floors, sprinkling his magic semen onto books for students to find.

But it turns out that the Lockwood Masturbator is not a mystical creature, but rather mechanical engineering graduate student, Jonah Allen. Allen was caught with his pants down--literally--when communications sophomore Mike Michaels stumbled across him while looking for a place to sleep after being kicked out of the Student Union. "It was pretty weird," says Michaels. "How do you react to a guy standing there, jerking off into a book, and smiling, even after he knows you're in the room?"

Allen remains unrepentant about his actions, blaming the university for providing him with the motivations to proceed with such deeds. "Hey, what could I do? They had both National Geographic and Cosmo Girl. I'm only human, for Bob's sake."

Some questioned how the 24-year old Allen could be the Lockwood Masturbator when reports of the "magical semen" first surfaced in 1934. According to Allen, "I'm not the original Lockwood Masturbator. I once stumbled across this guy named Ryan, and I inherited the legacy from him. He wasn't the original Lockwood Masturbator, either. He inherited it from some guy named Carlos. Now Mike shall inherit from me. Muwahahaha. Finally, I'm free. I'm free!"

When told about this comment, Michaels replied, "Um. I don't know if I can do it. I've got a paper to write."