--A theft was reported in the Ellicock complex. Burglar reportedly got away with the entire Hall & Oates discography on vinyl.

--Student came down with food poisoning after eating lunch at Funman's.

--Girl lodged a complaint against a guy she met in a bar for not calling the next day after sleeping with her. Guy reportedly was unable to bring her to orgasm.

--Generation Senior Editor supposedly abducted by aliens. Chilled Water notified.