Rap Mogul Sean "puffy" Combs was acquitted on all charges in his gun possession and bribery case. Hey, I have an idea, I could make a joke here about how he uses lots of samples, or that he broke up with Jennifer Lopez, or that Johnny Cochran was his lawyer, or that he's washed up, or that he's also a fashion designer, but I think I'll just leave the man alone.

By the time you read this, the Oscars will have been handed out, but since I'm writing this on Thursday, I have no idea who won. But who really cares about who wins the awards? I'm really looking forward to Joan River's Golden Hanger Awards the next day, boy is that Joan Rivers a character.

U2 lead singer Bono had a meeting with Secretary of State Colin Powel to supposedly discuss world debt relief. It was later discovered that the true reason for the meeting was for Powel to give Bono a demo for what he described as, "My totally bitchin' new band, The Secretary of State and the Statesman."

MTV has decided to ban the latest video by pop music diva Madonna because of its violent content. Wait a second, MTV shows videos? When did that happen?

Katie Holmes star of Dawsons Creek and my future wife, was recently bombarded by fans while attempting to shoot a scene for the show. Boy would I like to park my Grand Central in her station...I'm sorry Katie I didn't mean it. They're forcing my to write this vile crap. I love you. I'm going to marry you some day. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to be so disgusting and vulgar any more. That's it...I QUIT.