In a press conference held Tuesday morning, WWF owner Vince McMahon shocked campus media by unveiling what is being referred to as "Phase D of a 26-step Sinister Plot for World Domination"-McMahon is buying the University at Amherst!

McMahon fielded questions from reporters, mostly along the lines of "Why?" He responded that it was the next logical step after buying the WCW franchise from Time-Warner: "I need to completely devour all the competition that's out there. I heard that UA has a pretty kick-ass wrestling team. They've sent competitors to the NCAA Wrestling Championships for the past four seasons. Not too shabby. With proper gimmickery , something can really be done with their talent. Maybe we could put them in wet suits and call them the Frogmen. Kids would dig it. Then we could start a feud with 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, who wants to beat up anyone with a college education. You know, 'cause he's a dumb hick and all."

McMahon also announced his plans for the UA Cows football team. "I'm going to incorporate them into the XFL," he said. "As you know, the XFL, which can be viewed on NBC, Saturday nights at 8:00pm, is the new 100% competitive football league that offers the brand of hardcore football fans haven't seen in a long time mixed with an Oliver Stone-like in your face camera style. Judging by the Cows' recent smooth transition into Division 1-A competition, I feel they'd be right at home playing hardcore football at 8:00pm on Saturday nights in front of NBC cameras. Anyway, they can't be any worse than the players the league already has. Uh, did I mention that the XFL is broadcast every Saturday on NBC at 8:00pm? You should watch it. It's really good. Our cheerleaders are strippers, you know."

But McMahon's maniacal scheme isn't good news for everyone, as he plans on firing the entire Sub-Bored II staff and replacing them with wrestling has-beens such as Brother Love, Doink the Clown, Koko B. Ware, the Gobbledy Gooker, Earthquake, Hillbilly Jim, the Junkyard Dog, and Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. As compensation, though, McMahon promises everyone a free meal at Taco Bull, prepared by none other than The Rock.

When reached for comment, The Rock said, "Know your role and shut your mouth, Jabronie. The Brahma Bull will be down at UA's Taco Bull, the most electrifying eatery on campus, laying the Smackdown on some tacos for your candy asses. Finally, the Great One is making some bean burritos for the good people of Amherst... if you smell what The Rock is cooking!"

UA President Billy Grainar was threatened with termination, but saved his job at the final hour by signing a contract to manage the newly reformed British Bulldogs.