This past week, the State University at Amherst (UA) held its annual Student Government (SG) elections. In conjunction with the elections, UA's lone bastion of "Integritudinal Journalismists," The Rektum, proudly announced their candidates of choice. While the "Reports" party went on to sweep every single possible endorsement interview, and eventually, the election, The Rektum chose to be the lone discenters. Instead of endorsing Jenerashun magazine's ex-Supreme-in-Commeand Kyle Brasloski, they chose to endorse completely underqualified candidate, Robert D'Marco for the SG position of Second-in-Charge.

"It was completely and totally on the up and up," explained the Rektum's foul smelling Supreme-in-Command, Johnny Krapman. "The process to decide who we wanted to endorse for Second-in-Command was very intrigueing. It beagn with a spirited round of debate, followed by a dash of introspective speculation, which only preluded a raucus exchange of inflamatory ideas. We then basically decided that, like, we didn't like him because he used to work for Jenerashun."

"Yeah, and then we went on to talk all this judgemental shit about him too," added Rektum Feature Editor and Krapman's main squeeze Erika "Dull" Stith. "We even added all this stuff about hBrasloski having a conflict of interest by writng like two stories for Jenerashun while he worked as Talking Coordinator for SG. Kind of like the conflict we had when I helped get rid of our old Supreme-in-Command and then my boyfriend took the job."

While giving Stith the meanest "watch your mouth" Dolemite-type look that Krapman could muster from his pre-pubescant child-like frame, Krapman growled, "Hey! Gee Willy there! Erika, Sweet-umschoose your words with the utmost care in front of reporters. It's bad enough that our Sports Editors, Terrance and Philip, revealed the inner-workings of our relationship to that Jenerashun bastard of a Supreme-in-Command Carlitto Rodriguez at that Sheryl Hoops interview. A pox on thee, Rodriguez."

Upon hearing the news that the "Reports" party had swept the election, Krapman exclaimed, "Drats and double drats."With a nervous grin, he resorted to the Rektum party line. "What we basically did was try to stay as overly dry and boring and pseudo-intellectually anal as we could when we did the endorsements. I want my mommy."